Baby it’s cold outside

Up here in New Hampshire the temperature has been dipping down into the single digits and keeping me in the house. Now, I’m a new England girl at heart so I like it to be colder but this is just a bit too cold for me. Unfortunately, this has been keeping from getting up, out of my nice warm bed and into the cold to get a run in. This has caused a bit of a death spiral for me.

I’ve signed up for two 5ks, one in March and one in May, with the hopes that it will light a fire under my ass. I’ve also been looking for another “color” run type race. Willow asked me if we could to another one (as long as I make sure it doesn’t rain. Sure, no problem). Well there are two of the Color Me Rad races that are within a good distance. And neither of them are at the wicked hilly place the Color Vibe was at. But, I have to decide soon on whether or not we are doing both or just one and which one because the prices go up the closer to race time.

I’ve noticed that since my running has become sporadic, my brain seems to be firing off more and more thoughts all at the same time. There are things that I want to work on about myself but my brain won’t let me settle on just one to work on at a time. I feel like I’m constantly multitasking and not really doing anything good, just half assing everything.

I’m hoping that now that the light is coming back the temps will go up a bit and I’ll be able to get back out there again soon!

Running, cheaper than therapy.

I’ve noticed lately that I look at myself very differently when I’m not running. I went a couple of weeks without running because it was so damn hot and humid around here that I just couldn’t do it. During that time, I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust. I walked around in a gray cloud and didn’t feel good about myself, was a less understanding mom, and didn’t have any motivation to do much around the house.

But when I am running, I notice that I’m not so tough on the girl in the mirror. It’s like I see her as the girl who kicked ass before 6am that morning. I notice the small changes in her body. Her arms are smaller. Her butt isn’t sticking out as far. Her calves are little bit tighter. He cheekbones are showing more.  This didn’t all happen this morning during my run so why am I just now noticing? I like her more. I’m proud of her. And I realized that I walk around the rest of the day feeling a little bit better in her skin, more positive and just plain sunnier. I have this lingering sense of pride. I wanna scream from the rooftops “I freakin rock. I ran this morning!” It doesn’t matter that I’ve had to go back to week 4 of the Couch to 5K plan. I’m still proud of myself. I’m motivated to get shit accomplished. Everything just looks more possible. I feel like I could conquer anything.

Yoga changes my outlook too. I feel more centered and awake on the days I do yoga.  I recently found my yoga DVDs in a box so for the past two weeks, I’ve been doing some yoga in the morning on my non-running days. Nothing too strenuous. Just my yoga for beginners DVD. There is no soreness after I’m done, but there is that same lingering sense of pride.

The Best Friend made a comment when he was helping me get ready for my date Friday. I was telling him that I was excited but nervous. And he said that he hopes my date was nice and not homophobic (did I mention that the best friend is a gay dude?)  I then responded with what I was really afraid of…”I hope he doesn’t think I’m too fat.”  He asked if I thought I was, to which I responded “Yup.” Being the softy that he has become in his old age, he says “That’s not the right answer. How are you gonna love somebody else if you don’t love yourself?” I quickly replied that I love myself inside just not outside (I had not run that morning because it was raining. I wonder how I would have judged myself had I got out and ran in the rain……). 

I do love my outside when I think about what my body is capable of. How far I’ve come with my running…. or how strong  I feel when standing in warrior pose, But only when I’ve actually done one or the other that morning. I’ve had his question hanging out in the back of my mind ever since. It will pop in my head when I’m being hard on myself about something. Its making me look at how I talk to myself and I realize that I’m actually mentally abusing myself. How stupid is that?

I wonder if it’s the endorphins that are making me feel proud or just the simple fact that I pushed myself further than I thought I could…..and before 6am……

My first first date

So Friday night I stepped out to have a beer with a guy that I met on okCupid. I’ve been on and off that site for a couple of months now trying to decide if I was ready to start dating. After exchanging a few emails with this guy he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. Well, my parenting status  schedule got in the way and after several tries, we ended up meeting for a couple of beers.

I was nervous because in his pictures on the site, he was really, really good-looking and he seemed to be pretty intelligent (expect for some bad spelling and your vs. you’re issues but I was trying to stop the grammar nazi in me from noticing). So I got the Best Friend on Facetime and he helped me get ready with some shits and giggles added in to help me relax a bit.

So, off I go to meet him.  He met me out in front of the restaurant and he was just a good-looking as his pictures. After a short wait we make our way in and sit down. The conversation is rolling and we are talking about all the things you aren’t supposed to talk about on a first date….politics, religion, exes, etc.  But the conversation flowed and I was very comfortable (probably due to the tall Stella I had in front of me as well). We sat and chatted for four hours and overall it was easy conversation. One problem, we have very different views on a lot of those things. So, I guess talking about those “don’t talk about them on a first date” things was actually a good idea.  At the end of the night he hugged me (no kiss)  and said that he hoped we could do this again and I was thinking, ya know, it can’t hurt. He did say some things that had me really thinking and there were no real deal breakers so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to try again. Well, it’s now Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him so I’m guessing that our differences were too much for him.

But the best part of all this…..that’s ok. I’m ok with that. I put myself out there and dipped my toe in the dating pool and it felt good. I had a thought-provoking conversation with an intelligent man and it’s been a really long time since I have done that. The fact that him not calling hasn’t made me feel like crap about myself, shows me that I am ready to get back out there.

So, a little revising of my dating profile and I’m ready for some more! I’m going into this with a positive attitude. I’m not going to think about how much dating sucks, I’m going to look at as an opportunity to have some fun. Less interview like, more just enjoying the free drinks moment.

And I’m back!

We are in the house and I’m starting to feel like a grown up again! It’s like I have my own life back.  I have everything that is important, unpacked and put away. Just need to figure out where I’m going to put and organize all that not-so-important stuff. But that’s the fun part of a new house.  Willow is slowly getting her stuff together. Last weekend she went to the Cape with my parents to have the inspection done on their new house so she wasn’t around to get it together but we’ll get there. And this weekend I got the yard all mowed, the gardens all weeded and Willow and my dad got our new pool up. There’s nothing like getting a bunch of yard work done and then taking a dip in the pool!

I have been doing a little bit of running in my new neighborhood. There’s a sidewalk on the main road that is about 1/2 mile from my house. I’m amazed at how much more relaxed I am running on the sidewalk. It’s so nice not to spend my whole run worrying about dodging cars.   Only problem is that with all the moving and organizing, I didn’t have time or utensils to cooks so we ate a lot of fast food. That caused me some problems on my first couple of runs in the new neighborhood. I was basically the poster child for crap in, crap out. This morning was a bit better. Still did some walking but that’s ok. I tried to talk myself out of the run while lying in my nice bed with my awesome new mattress and the AC keeping the icky humidity out. But eventually, I berated my laziness enough to get my ass up and out the door and that’s the hardest part.

I’m on day 30 something or maybe 40 of no-sugar. I’ve really shocked myself in how well I’m doing with that. I’ve lost 10.4 lbs and the cravings are getting fewer and far between. Our neighbors gave us a couple of Drumsticks (my favorite ice cream treat!) this weekend when it was hot out. Willow ate hers and I put mine in the freezer for her to have another day. It was in there for 3 days and after the first day, I forgot all about it. That’s huge!

I’m starting to feel less guilt about the huge mistake that I made in moving us. I’m coming around to that part when you see why something really bad happens. We are in a better house, we are both happy again, and now I know better than to allow someone else to hold my happiness.

Sugar bad but happiness good

Today is day 15 of avoiding processed sugar.

After doing some reading about food addiction, it was all up in my grill and unavoidable that I have a food addiction and sugar is a major trigger for me.  I mean I knew it before, but I didn’t fully understand exactly why and what was going on. I know that it has gotten much worse in the last two years and I attribute that to being unhappy for too long. Now that I’m getting my life back and feel like a 1,000 lb burden has been lifted from my shoulders, I’m working on fixing these bad habits that have evolved while dealing with someone else’s bullshit. And I’ve learned the hard way to not let anyone else ruin my happiness. Other people’s shit doesn’t have to become your shit.

In the interest of full disclosure, because there is sugar in  EVERYTHING, to make this as basic as possible (otherwise I wouldn’t stick to it) I’ve been avoiding the obvious sugar laden foods (cookies, candy, cake) and sticking to things that don’t have sugar or artificial sweeteners in the first 5 ingredients. It has been really tough but I’m sick of being addicted to this crap and after 15 days, it’s starting to get easier. I lost 3.8 lbs in the first week and it’s made a difference in my running.

Today I tried my third shot at the final day of the Couch to 5k program. The first time I added more hills to my run so I had to walk three times. The second time was Saturday when even at 7am it was hot and humid. Humidity and me don’t work well together and right about the middle point of my run, my legs just stopped running. No conscious decision by me, they just stopped.

Then, this morning the universe came together to give me a good run. It all just came together. I slept great last night. The temp was about 49 and the humidity was at about 58%. And I was ready! After about the 1/2 mile mark a little voice in my head said “You got this shit.” My first thought was “Uh, am I hearing voices now” and then I was like “Yeah, I do got this shit!” And I killed it.  A nice average pace of about an 11 minute mile and I was in the zone. When the voice in my earbuds said “Cool Down” I did a little dance right there in the middle of the road. Luckily, there was no one around me because I was just going to town. I’m not sure if it was that runner’s high that people talk about, but I felt GOOOOOOOOD!

I’m exercising again. Getting rid of my bad eating habits. My kid’s happy. My job rocks and I get to work with amazing people. The house stuff is all coming together. Everything is falling into place and I’m happy again.

It’s funny how you don’t realize just how unhappy you were until you are back to being happy again. Unhappiness does happen but don’t stick around hoping for something to get better. Life’s too short to waste an entire year being miserable.

The Color Vibe 5K

Well, I did it! This past weekend I ran my first 5K in the pouring rain. Well, ran is kinda pushing it. Since the event was at the New Hampshire Motorspeedway, I figured that we would be running around the actual track. Since there are no hills on a racetrack, I’ve been training on a road that has no hills. Back and forth, back and forth, just trying to get through the minutes for the Couch to 5K program. Then I find out the week before that the race isn’t actually on the track itself, it’s out on a paved path. Well, that path had hills, and big ones. Hills that kicked my ass. I couldn’t even make it up the first hill. And then we went down a big hill and I noticed that runners were coming up the other side. I was having trouble running down this damn hill, how the hell was I gonna run back up??? I told myself that I didn’t have to run up it. That it was a fun run and most people were walking anyway so I shouldn’t feel bad. When we finally made it to the finish line, Willow and I crossed it together. I was disappointed that I couldn’t run the whole thing but was happy that I ran as much as I could.

Then there was the after-race party: Music, dancing,  lots of color and unfortunately, more rain. But we had a blast!

Now I’m signing up for a 5K Race at the end of June that isn’t so ass kicking hilly and I will run all of this one!

Week 6 and 7 Done!

Finished week 7 this morning. Twenty five minutes of straight running. Just a hair under 2 miles. It was actually easy until about 3/4 of the way thru. I felt a pull in my right thigh and my mind went all negative. But I just kept going and the pain went away.

I’m a little nervous since I’m two weeks away from my first 5k but I’m only running two miles. I’ve heard that the adrenaline gets you all pumped up to finish the race but the thought of running another mile scares me. But I’m not going to let fear get in my way. I’m going to just keep swimming.

And, some happy news! Things are moving forward with the house. I got rid of all the incompetence surrounding me and things are progressing. I may even get to close next week!!!!

Progress and Setbacks

 

Well, week 4 and week 5 are under my belt. And the last day of week 5, I ran for 20 minutes straight. I was amazed that my body could actually do that. There were even times when I just forgot I was running and went inside my head. It wasn’t nearly as hard I was imagining it would be (isn’t that always the case?)

Then over the weekend my body kicked me in the ass. I couldn’t get myself to do anything all day Saturday. My body just didn’t want to move. Then Sunday I somehow found the motivation to get my running sneaks on and get out the door. But once I started running, I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. My body just wouldn’t cooperate and I felt like my lungs were going to explode. I gave up about 3 minutes into the first running interval and tried again the next one. Only got about 30 seconds into that one and I was done. I walked home with my head low and all kinds of negative thoughts running thru my head. As the day progressed I started to feel like every muscle in my body was tensed up. It started in my shoulders and gradually worked its way down my body. Monday morning brought me unable to get up and out the door for a run and then unable to make my body move in any way so I stayed home from work. Tuesday morning I couldn’t get up and out the door for a run because I had a lot of trouble sleeping Monday night but I did get to work, though wasn’t very productive. By last night, I was starting to feel like myself again. And this morning I got out and ran. It was tough but I’m very glad I did.

I realized something on my run. This was all because of stress. My body basically tied itself up in knots because of the stress I’ve been under with all the problems with getting this house. I always carry my stress in my shoulders. So the fact that it started there clued me in on the source.

I can’t let this happen. I thought I was dealing with the stress as it came but obviously not. I’ve felt like the Universe was punishing me for making a bad decision to sell my house and move in with the ex and I’ve been carrying that around with me. A person can only take so much punishment, especially when we are punishing ourselves.

I’m working on forgiving myself. I’m working on not punishing myself for something that I thought was the right thing to do at the time I did it. It’s not easy, but I have to do this…..for my health.

Meditative Running (And Week 3 Done!)

Week 3 is in the history books and my confidence was soaring. Then on Sunday I started Week 4 and damn was it tough. Week 4 includes two running intervals of 5 minutes, the last one at the very end and of course, there was a hill. I just kept telling myself “You are strong and powerful. You can do anything you want. You can do this.” That worked for a little while and then my mind went its own way and I started saying “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” Luckily, Willow was behind me with my mom (who was having a tough run probably due to the six hours of yard work she did on Saturday) so there was no teenager embarrassment to deal with thankfully because that worked.

It’s funny where our minds go when we just let them. My meditation routine has been kinda slipping and I haven’t added anymore time to each session so I basically sit there and think about all the other things I should be doing. Running really is like 90% mental. You can so easily get in your own way. All it takes is one teeny tiny thought in the back of your mind that you can’t do it and bam, you can’t.

For now, I’m going to Just Keep Swimming.

Couch to 5K Week 2 DONE!

 

 

I have stuck to it this time and I’m feeling great! I feel better physically, mentally and emotionally. Some of that may also be from being under contract for the house but I’m sure a huge part of it is my pride in how hard I’m working. It’s not easy but I’m up at 5am every morning and out the door either doing the program or just walking.

I’ve run into a couple of overuse type problems but some stretching and icing has worked for that. I may cut out some of the morning walks and substitute some yoga for strengthening. I’ve done some reading about the IT band (one of the issues I’ve been dealing with) and almost everything I have read says you need to so some strengthening so I may add a couple of mornings a week of yoga to keep other problems from arising.

Feeling better and better every day.  It’s good to be back to me.

Zero patience=zero concentration

So, I made an offer on a house over the weekend. It is one of those Fannie Mae Home Path houses so no one looked at it over the weekend. It ended up in someone’s inbox this morning and now they will take 48-72 hours to decide, basically, how the rest of my life will go. I’ve spent the last eight months (four of those while still living with the Ex trying to find a way to get WIllow and I out of that situation) trying to find a place for my family to live. Having two dogs makes it difficult to find a place to rent. And having been approved for a low mortgage makes it hard to find something to buy.

Well, I found an almost perfect house (beggars can’t be choosers at this point) for us and now all I have to do is wait for some person sitting in a cubical somewhere to decide the fate of my family. Overly dramatic. Yes. But that’s how I’m feeling right now and it’s causing me to not be able to get anything else done. What am I gonna do if I have to wait until Wednesday!?!??!?!?

Run Lotus, Run!

I’ve done the Couch to 5K running plan before…..but I did it all on the treadmill. I was completely shocked when I couldn’t even run five minutes on the road when I could easily run 30 minutes on the treadmill. WTF!?!? Guess what, it’s much easier to run on a treadmill than on the road because you’re not actually propelling yourself forward on the treadmill. Duh!

This time is different. This time I’m signing up for a 5k and doing it with Willow and possibly my mother (she didn’t get up in time this morning so jury is still out on that verdict). Once I make it through this week, I will be signing up for the The Color Vibe 5k Run. It looks like a blast and Willow almost peed her pants she was so excited when I showed her.

Saturday all three of us got out there and did Week 1, Day 1 of the plan and did pretty good. Willow, as usual, bounced around like it was nothing but my mom had a little trouble finishing the running intervals though not bad for a woman who is almost 60 and hasn’t run a day in her life. She told me this past summer that she had read about Jamie Lee Curtis doing the Couch to 5k program and that she wanted to run a 5k before she turned 60. but she hasn’t done anything about it since then. So, when I showed her the race, she started with the excuses. ‘Oh, I don’t want paint in my face. There’s not enough time to be ready for it. It’s all young people. I think I need a different program for someone like me’….oh you mean for people getting off the couch and running..yeah, it’s called the Couch to 5k. I told her after she was done running through all her excuses either you do it or you don’t. And she did. We will see if she follows through.

So, I was up at 5am this morning and out the door with Daisy into the 26 degree cold (did you know that pants made out of wicking material (what the heck is that stuff??) actually wick the heat away from your legs too, I think. That’s what it felt like anyway. Sweatpants for me until it gets warmer!!) and walked 2.1 miles. I decided that in order to keep myself on track, I need to get out there every day. I can too easily say “I’ll do it tomorrow” if I don’t have a plan for every day. But running on a Monday morning is the fastest way to get me to quit the program. So, running on Saturday, Tuesday, and Thursday with a 30 minute walk the rest of the days.

The race is May 25th so we shall see if I follow through with this. I’ve told people at work and told everyone on Facebook that I’m doing it so hopefully that will keep me going. Only time will tell. The last time I started training with this program out on the road, I let people and life get in the way of finishing. I’ve learned the hard way how important it is to not let anyone else get in the way of your goals!

Five Reasons Why I Heart My Kindle

I was not paid to write this post. I was just  so against the Kindle and any eReader before and have fallen so much in love with my Kindle that I want to explain to those out there still holding out.

A couple of years ago my brother asked if I wanted a Kindle for Xmas. I said that I didn’t like the idea of an eReader. I loved my books too much. I love to have them all around me. I even use them as decoration in my house. I feel more centered when I’m surrounded by books. And I didn’t like the idea that book stores were going out of business because of eReaders. My favorite place in the whole wide world is in a book store. My parents took my daughter to Disney World for a week a couple of years ago. I went to a book store and spent four hours just browsing. Excessive? Yes. Did I feel like it was a waste of time? No!

 A year later I was talking with a couple of people who have the same book obsession as me but also have Kindles. They loved their Kindles and said they would be lost now without them. So, I took the leap and bought myself a Kindle. And I will never go back.

And this is why:

1. Digital books are cheaper, usually. I won’t buy a Kindle book that is more expensive than the paperback. I just won’t do it. And usually if you wait a bit, the price will go down. And there are a sites that will tell you when books are free and discounted. I get the Pixel of Ink daily newsletter that has free and discounted books so I have a bunch of free books downloaded and ready to go for those times when money is too tight to be buying new books. There is also a section of free Kindle books on Amazon. And I recently found an article called 25 Places to Get Free Kindle Books over at About.com Freebies. I haven’t tried out all of them yet but they look pretty promising.

2. I’m usually in the middle of several books at the same time. So every time I would leave the house I had to decide which book to bring with me or bring several. Leaving the house without one was not an option and those days when I forgot to bring one, could be like the end of the world. You see, for me, there is nothing worse than having a few free minutes and no book to read. So when I downloaded the Kindle app on my phone, it meant that I had all my books with me at all times.  How freakin dorky cool is that?!?!? But I couldn’t read on my phone all the time. It’s just too small and requires too much page turning so a lot of the times I will bring my Kindle along with me.

3. The second I finish my book, I can download another one. No more waiting to have time to go to the book store or waiting for them to come in the mail. Being in the middle of an excellent series and having to wait foto get the next one when you know it’s already been published is like torture!  Now I can have it in literally 30 seconds. I do, however, still browse around bookstores when I can. You can always download a book on your Kindle that you find in a bookstore.

4. You can read those embarrassing mommy porn self-help books without anyone knowing!

5.  And of course the tree-hugger in me loves that less trees are being killed so I can read books.

I loved it so much that when they came out with the Paperwhite version a year later, I just had to have it. I didn’t want the Kindle Fire because you couldn’t read it outside in the sun but I also hated that in the dark I still had to use a reading light (and they are expensive so I bought a cheap one that was a pain in the butt). So, in order to rationalize buying a new one, in my mind, when I had a perfectly good one, I gave my Kindle Touch to Willow.

I still feel  bad about book stores going out of business but I think because Barnes and Noble has their own eReader, they will be around for a while. And I still love all the books that I have collected. If I do read a book that becomes another new favorite, I will buy it in paper form to add to my collection to be passed down.

Anyone else no longer an anti-Kindle-ite?

My Top 10 Favorite Apps to Keep a Single Parent Sane

I was one of those people who fought against getting an iPhone (and the Kindle but that’s a different post). I just didn’t understand what was so great about it. I can get on the internet from my computer at home so why do I need it at my fingertips 24/7 not matter where I am? Well, now I know. I am now addicted to my iPhone , which I know isn’t a good thing but I use it to help me stay sane on this crazy ride.

Over the couple of years that I have had my iPhone, I found some really great apps that have helped to keep me sane, more organized and just generally make my life easier. So, I thought I would share them with you.

All apps that I get are free. Now, sometimes I start with the free version and end up upgrading because I like the app and know that I will continue to use it. But I always start with the free one because once you spend that $1.99 (and with sooooo many apps out there, that $1.99 will add up), that’s it. It’s unlikely that you will get your money back no matter how much the app sucks.

So here is the list of my top 10 favorite “Keeping Me Sane” apps:

1. Bill Tracker-This is one of the apps that I started with the free version then upgraded and paid the $0.99 for it because it was such a tremendous help and with the upgraded version you can add a password. With Bill Tracker you can input all of your bills for the month and it will keep track of what is due and what’s coming up due for you. It helps with budgeting to be able to see exactly what’s coming down the pipe. You can set up accounts for all your bills and keep your online login info, the account numbers, etc all together for all your bills. Once you’ve paid a bill, you go in and mark it paid. You can set up recurring bills for those bills that are always the same and you can put in bill amounts that change. You can also put in stuff that comes out of your checking account automatically (I hate doing this but it was the only option for Netflix and Hulu) and it automatically shows as paid on the day that it comes out of your account. $7.99 may not seem like a lot to worry about but with the huge fluctuations in my checking account each month, I need to have a reminder that they are going to be coming out of my account.

2. Checkbook- I use this app instead of a paper check register. I have a hard time keeping track of what comes out of my checking account and that’s really bad since I basically use my Visa debit card for everything because I never have cash on me. This app makes it much easier to keep track and you can do reports in it to see how you are spending in different categories each month. There is an option to set up a budget to make sure you don’t spend too much in a particular category but I haven’t used that yet. You can set up recurring stuff too. I set it up to automatically take out those two pesky automatic bills that I hate and I set it up to put in my paycheck. I have my car payment go directly into a checking account that I have with the credit union that my car loan is through so the money is automatically put in into that account on my app and then automatically withdrawn each month when they take out the payment. You can also set up accounts for your credit cards, student loans, car loans, etc and you can do a transfer when you pay on those things and watch your balances go down (or hopefully not up). This was one that I also paid the extra $0.99 for because I knew it was going to get used and I wanted to add a password to it. Set-up can take a little time but grab all your bills together and you can do it while sitting in front of the tv.

3. iPassword- This is app is perfect for people who have tons and tons of logins and passwords (yeah, like every single person in the world). I try to use the same password for everything but some sites have different requirements and some make you change it every now and then and it’s just impossible to remember all of them. And I have all of my daughter’s passwords in here. This app also has the option of putting all different kinds of info. I put in my health insurance ID numbers (I also took pictures of my ID cards just in case something happens and I don’t have them with me) and all my info about my Jeep (license plate number, VIN number, etc) so pretty much any information that I need is all in this app. And it has a password.

4. Pocket- Pocket is also on the internet at getpocket.com. With this site you can keep track of stuff that you want to read later. You set it up in your favorites and you can click on a button and save something so you can read it later (it explains in better detail how to do that on the website). That always happens to me when I’m waiting for a meeting or a the doctor’s office and just browsing around. I’ll find something and then run out of time to read it. Now I can send it to Pocket and I can read it on my computer, my iPhone or my iPad later. Love it!

5. Grocery Pal-This app is just what it sounds like. A grocery list. You can set up different grocery lists for different stores. I have several of them. I don’t know about you guys but I hate it when I run to Wal-mart for toothpaste and forget that I actually needed toilet paper and conditioner too. So, now I just add it to my list and I always have it with me. You can also do it online at twicular.com and it will update your phone.

6. Alarmed-This is my life saver. There are so many times that I think of something that I need to do at home while I’m at work and there is no way that I will remember by the end of the day. So I open up my Alarmed app and set a reminder to go off at the time I need to remember to do it. You can also set up recurring alarms. I have one to remind me to start the Jeep in the morning so we won’t freeze our butts off while waiting for the bus and I have one set to remind me to take my vitamins, etc, etc.  It’s very customizable.

7. Calendar-The calendar already comes with the iPhone but use it! Did you know that you can go to iCloud.com and see and edit your calendar from any computer? Did you know that you can set up different calendars that you can share with other Apple users? I have a separate calendar set up for stuff for Willow that I share with her.  I can set up reminders in my calendar that will go off on her iPod Touch (though she has to have wifi to get them and that can be a bit of a pain). Having a calendar that I can get to all the time keeps me from forgetting stuff that is coming up.

8. Errands-This is basically my To Do list. You can set up different To Do lists in the app. You can have one for work, one for home, one for kids, one for errands, one for recurring cleaning, one for basically anything you want. I’ll think of something I want to get done this weekend and I just add it to my list.

9. Allrecipes- This also is a website at allrecipes.com but is an app too. I love this because you can set up a recipe box and save recipes that you like from the website or you can add your own. Then you can make a shopping list from them. I will put recipes into it that I find on Pinterest and then I can add them to the shopping list. Or, if I forget to take something out for dinner and I realize this at work, I can stop at the grocery store on my way home and know every single thing I need to make a recipe. I am always forgetting something in a recipe and it’s usually something big.The app also has a recipe spinner that is very cool. You tell it what kind of dish you are looking for (dinner, snack, lunch, etc), what the main ingredient is that you want to make it with (chicken, fish, veggies, etc) and how long you have to make it (20 mins or less, slow cooker, one hour, etc) and it finds all the recipes on the site that apply. This also helps when you forget to take something out for dinner and realize it at work.

10. Podcasts-There are so many free podcasts out there on every single topic you could ever imagine. Now there’s a separate app for podcasts. I listen to podcasts on my drive to and from work and I have learned soooo much good stuff about so many different topics. The list goes on forever. Check them out.

So, that’s my list of my to 10 “Keep Me Sane” apps that every single parent should have!

What are your favorie apps?

LETITGO!!!!!!!

I’m angry. And I can’t stop it.

I’m angry because I was tricked into believing that he was someone that he wasn’t.  I gave up everything, sold my house, packed up my shit and moved everything, and he didn’t even try. I made a huge mistake and moved my daughter away from her school, her dance studio, her friends and her grandparents and put her into what turned out to be a bad situation. I’m angry at myself for believing that I was doing the right thing. I’m angry at myself for letting my guard down, even though it was only one time but of course, the wrong time. I’m angry that I can’t trust my own instincts because I obviously make bad decisions. I’m angry because I tried so hard and gave up so much and he just didn’t try at all.

I know that it’s bad to hold onto anger. It’s only hurting me. I know this. But getting it to stop just isn’t that easy. I’ve tried meditating on it and that just leaves me all tensed up and not at all relaxed and centered. I find the past running through my mind, specific times that I was so frustrated, and I end up all tensed up again.

I think the reason that I am having so much trouble getting past the anger is because I’m still struggling to get back on my feet. I sold my house to move and now there are fewer and fewer houses on the market that I can afford because the housing market is getting better and pushing more and more houses out of my price range.

I was happy in my life. I had everything that I needed and had made a pretty good life for my daughter and I. I thought he would add to that happiness.  I had everything and I gave it up to start a new life with him.  And now I’m left trying to pick up the pieces and let go of the anger.

Oy…Enough with the tween-ness already!

For crying out loud. I’m at the end of my rope with the tween-ness. The eye-rolling, the big “you’re so stupid” sighs, the ignoring of chore lists, the ignoring of my directions, the lateness due to hair preparing, the giant mess of all clothes, clean or otherwise, the constant “in a minute”s are pushing me to the brink of adding smacking to my parenting box.

I know you are supposed to pick your battles. I know that she is testing the boundaries. I know that she thinks I don’t understand what she’s going through. I know that she thinks I am just her stupid mother. I know that it’s only going to get worse from here. BUT…..that’s all very hard to remember when she’s putting her finger up at me and saying “in a minute.” Sometimes it helps to picture myself sticking her own finger up her nose but not usually.

Single Moms Don’t Have To Be Victims.

I’ve noticed around the single mom blogosphere there is a lot of talk about not getting child support and how frustrating it is. There was even a  letter writing campaign to the President going around to try to get support laws changed.  I want to tell them to just let it go but I know what their response will be.  “My kids deserve it so I will fight for it.”  No, your kids deserve a calm, centered mother.  Money is just money. There is a lot of time, energy and money spent chasing down child support.  I understand wanting help with raising children that we didn’t make by ourselves but at what point should we say “I’m going to take care of them myself so I don’t have to rely on this Deadbeat anymore?” Not to mention the sense of pride that comes from not relying on anyone else. I started with nothing and worked my way up to a new home, an education, and a great job with a lot of potential, without help from my daughter’s father.  I still get frustrated sometimes and want to rip his balls off but once I let it go and spend calm time with Willow, life is so much better.

No matter what laws are made to try to make deadbeats pay, they will always find a way around it. There are too many organizations out there trying to get fathers their  “rights”.   Berkshire Fatherhood Coalition is trying to help the father of my friend’s kids only  have to pay $200ish a month for two of his kids. Not to mention the other three children he has (five total). He is claiming that he had to quit his job (making $100k) because he had no support in the area.  He told everyone he was moving to live with his sister in Georgia but actually moved in with his girlfriend in Tennessee.

How about helping single moms make it on their own without relying on support, programs for giving single moms more support and self-confidence. A friend of mine is recently divorced.  She came to me before she left her husband and asked for my advice.  The only piece of advice I gave her was to never, ever rely on child support.  She didn’t heed my warning and signed a lease, put her youngest in an expensive daycare, both of which she could not afford without her $1600 a month of child support.  I told her many times that she needed to make sure she could make it on her own but she insisted that it was court ordered and he wouldn’t quit his job.  Well, guess what.  He quit his job and moved across the country and hasn’t paid any support in about 6 months.  She keeps going to court to try to fight it and is completely stressed out about all the court hearings.  I tried to get her to relax by explaining that no matter what happens, she still may not get the support so let it go.  I found out today that she is only going to take it so far and then let it go. I’m very proud of her!

My child support is court ordered and I receive it sporadically at best.  But that is fine with me.  It’s a nice surprise when it comes.  I don’t see it as him punishing my daughter and I.  I see it that I have created this stable world for my daughter, I did, just me, all by myself.  My daughter is not spoiled (well, a little by my parents).  She has learned that she can’t have everything.  I don’t need a big fancy house and expensive car to be happy and neither does she.  Teaching our children that less is more is probably the best thing we can do for them (and the planet).

Please do not tell me that single moms can’t get good jobs.  First of all, a potential employer should never know that you are a mother, never mind a single mother.  This is not something that should come up in an interview or be on your resume. And there are a ton of federal grant programs for going  back to school. You just have to apply for them.

After you are done feeling insulted, stop and think about it. I’m not insulting you, I’m trying to open your eyes, empower you.  We don’t have to be victims.  We can take back control of our lives.  The best way to get back at these deadbeats is to show them that they can’t hurt us.  They think that by keeping this money from us they can still control us.  It’s time to stop being a victim of their games.  And stop being victims in general.  Help yourself!!!!!!!!!

2013 Goal #4 Mindful eating

Hi my name is Lotus and I’m a junk food addict. Hi Lotus.

I have a frustratingly stupid addiction. Junk food. I have an emotional relationship with food. Maybe it’s more of a emotional addiction to junk food because I crave it when I’m sad and I want it to celebrate when I’m happy and I use it to cover up hurt.

I read over at Zen Habits I was reading about Mindful Eating and it made sense. Basically, it’s being in the moment when we eat. Noticing what we are eating and being aware of how our body feels while we eat, especially our stomachs. I downloaded a couple of books, Mindful Eating by Thich Nhat Hanh and Lilian Cheung and You Losing Weight by Dr. Oz but have not yet finished either yet so I don’t have a plan to set in motion for that yet.

Eating right has always been my biggest obstacle to losing weight. I think this is going to require a comibination of learning to eat right and getting my head on straight so this one is going to be a little tougher. The first step in my plan is to put an actual plan together. Something that I have never tried before.

Everything Happens For a Reason

When my relationship ended, there was this thought running through my mind that at this age I might as well just give up on the whole dating thing. Add this to all my previous relationship disasters and I didn’t see a reason to even bother.

Then a “married into our family” family member told me that she had been married twice before she married my family member (did you get that? I was sworn to secrecy so I have to be very careful). It helped me in how I was looking at my situation. I realized that I could do it. It wasn’t too late. That was just the relationship to help me realize that I could do what needed to be done to create a good relationship. I just needed to find someone who was willing and able to make that happen with me. Everything happens for a reason.

I started lifting my head up and looking around more. I wanted to see what I was missing while I was stuck inside my own head. I tried using a technique that I used to use all the time called the Buddha Smile where you make a conscious effort to smile all the time. It’s pretty amazing how much that can actually lift your spirits. It’s like it tricks your brain into thinking you are happy and then you feel happy. Everything happens for a reason.

So, while walking around smiling and really noticing the world around me, I started to see all the other people and then something happened…I met someone.

It was one of those meet-cutes that would make an awesome story for the grandkids. It was at the grocery store. He asked me if I knew how to tell if the pears were ripe. This cracked me up because I’m usually the one asking women around the produce section if stuff is ripe or if it’s supposed to look like that (I wonder if those women thought I was hitting on them). After admitting to him that I had absolutely no idea we started chatting. I noticed that he was dressed like he had just come from the office in his business casual getup. Usually that isn’t really a turn on to me but for some reason, he didn’t look uptight in them. His persona was more casual than business. And he was REALLY good-looking too, which didn’t hurt.

His name was John and he asked me if he could call me sometime because he’d like to take me out to dinner. About a thousand thoughts ran through my head at once. He’s really nice and that’s a hard thing to find. He obviously has a job and he’s soooo good-looking. And then I started to think, yeah, he’s nice, has a job and is good-looking so he deserves someone who is going to be all in for him. So I said “I would really love that, but I just got out of a relationship and I’m just not ready to date yet.” And oh the hurt look on his face. I felt so bad and was afraid that  maybe he didn’t believe me and actually considered telling him the awful story of the last two weeks with The Ex but decided that I didn’t owe that to him. I was being honest and he could do with that as he pleased. I needed to worry about myself and I know that getting back into the dating game this soon after getting out of a relationship is just not a good idea. But everything happens for a reason.

Since then I’ve paid more attention to the people around me and have noticed guys noticing me. And just little things like that have given me a much needed boost in the ego. Every time it happens a little voice in the back of my head says “You still got it girl!”

My heart and ego are on the mend! And I feel like I’m one step closer to becoming me again.

2013 Goal #3 Exercising

I have a treadmill. It’s not like I have to go to the gym, or even step foot outside. There’s no excuse. I just need a fire lit under my arse.

So, in order to light my fire, I talked to girls at work into running a 5k with me in the spring. Now that I have shot off my mouth, I’m really going to have to do the work.

I’ve done the Couch 2 5k program before. I finished it then went outside to try to run and couldn’t run more than 3 minutes. I realized the hard way that running on the road is much harder than running on a treadmill. But I also learned that if you up the incline, it will be more like running on the road.

My Plan:

1. Start getting up earlier each day this week. That means not hitting snooze (oy). Before I met The Ex I was getting up at 4am to get on the treadmill before work. Late night phone calls nixed that and I haven’t done it since.
2. Do the entire nine week Couch to 5K program and run a 5k in the spring with the girls from work.
3. Start on the treadmill while it’s still cold out but get out whenever I can.
4. Do yoga 3 nights a week for strength training until I’m done with the Couch to 5K program. (That is if I can find my yoga mat, etc.)

I will make adjustments to this plan as I go along. I know I can do this because I’ve done it before. I just need to get out of my own way!