I’ve noticed lately that I look at myself very differently when I’m not running. I went a couple of weeks without running because it was so damn hot and humid around here that I just couldn’t do it. During that time, I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust. I walked around in a gray cloud and didn’t feel good about myself, was a less understanding mom, and didn’t have any motivation to do much around the house.
But when I am running, I notice that I’m not so tough on the girl in the mirror. It’s like I see her as the girl who kicked ass before 6am that morning. I notice the small changes in her body. Her arms are smaller. Her butt isn’t sticking out as far. Her calves are little bit tighter. He cheekbones are showing more. This didn’t all happen this morning during my run so why am I just now noticing? I like her more. I’m proud of her. And I realized that I walk around the rest of the day feeling a little bit better in her skin, more positive and just plain sunnier. I have this lingering sense of pride. I wanna scream from the rooftops “I freakin rock. I ran this morning!” It doesn’t matter that I’ve had to go back to week 4 of the Couch to 5K plan. I’m still proud of myself. I’m motivated to get shit accomplished. Everything just looks more possible. I feel like I could conquer anything.
Yoga changes my outlook too. I feel more centered and awake on the days I do yoga. I recently found my yoga DVDs in a box so for the past two weeks, I’ve been doing some yoga in the morning on my non-running days. Nothing too strenuous. Just my yoga for beginners DVD. There is no soreness after I’m done, but there is that same lingering sense of pride.
The Best Friend made a comment when he was helping me get ready for my date Friday. I was telling him that I was excited but nervous. And he said that he hopes my date was nice and not homophobic (did I mention that the best friend is a gay dude?) I then responded with what I was really afraid of…”I hope he doesn’t think I’m too fat.” He asked if I thought I was, to which I responded “Yup.” Being the softy that he has become in his old age, he says “That’s not the right answer. How are you gonna love somebody else if you don’t love yourself?” I quickly replied that I love myself inside just not outside (I had not run that morning because it was raining. I wonder how I would have judged myself had I got out and ran in the rain……).
I do love my outside when I think about what my body is capable of. How far I’ve come with my running…. or how strong I feel when standing in warrior pose, But only when I’ve actually done one or the other that morning. I’ve had his question hanging out in the back of my mind ever since. It will pop in my head when I’m being hard on myself about something. Its making me look at how I talk to myself and I realize that I’m actually mentally abusing myself. How stupid is that?
I wonder if it’s the endorphins that are making me feel proud or just the simple fact that I pushed myself further than I thought I could…..and before 6am……