My first first date

So Friday night I stepped out to have a beer with a guy that I met on okCupid. I’ve been on and off that site for a couple of months now trying to decide if I was ready to start dating. After exchanging a few emails with this guy he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. Well, my parenting status  schedule got in the way and after several tries, we ended up meeting for a couple of beers.

I was nervous because in his pictures on the site, he was really, really good-looking and he seemed to be pretty intelligent (expect for some bad spelling and your vs. you’re issues but I was trying to stop the grammar nazi in me from noticing). So I got the Best Friend on Facetime and he helped me get ready with some shits and giggles added in to help me relax a bit.

So, off I go to meet him.  He met me out in front of the restaurant and he was just a good-looking as his pictures. After a short wait we make our way in and sit down. The conversation is rolling and we are talking about all the things you aren’t supposed to talk about on a first date….politics, religion, exes, etc.  But the conversation flowed and I was very comfortable (probably due to the tall Stella I had in front of me as well). We sat and chatted for four hours and overall it was easy conversation. One problem, we have very different views on a lot of those things. So, I guess talking about those “don’t talk about them on a first date” things was actually a good idea.  At the end of the night he hugged me (no kiss)  and said that he hoped we could do this again and I was thinking, ya know, it can’t hurt. He did say some things that had me really thinking and there were no real deal breakers so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to try again. Well, it’s now Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him so I’m guessing that our differences were too much for him.

But the best part of all this…..that’s ok. I’m ok with that. I put myself out there and dipped my toe in the dating pool and it felt good. I had a thought-provoking conversation with an intelligent man and it’s been a really long time since I have done that. The fact that him not calling hasn’t made me feel like crap about myself, shows me that I am ready to get back out there.

So, a little revising of my dating profile and I’m ready for some more! I’m going into this with a positive attitude. I’m not going to think about how much dating sucks, I’m going to look at as an opportunity to have some fun. Less interview like, more just enjoying the free drinks moment.

LETITGO!!!!!!!

I’m angry. And I can’t stop it.

I’m angry because I was tricked into believing that he was someone that he wasn’t.  I gave up everything, sold my house, packed up my shit and moved everything, and he didn’t even try. I made a huge mistake and moved my daughter away from her school, her dance studio, her friends and her grandparents and put her into what turned out to be a bad situation. I’m angry at myself for believing that I was doing the right thing. I’m angry at myself for letting my guard down, even though it was only one time but of course, the wrong time. I’m angry that I can’t trust my own instincts because I obviously make bad decisions. I’m angry because I tried so hard and gave up so much and he just didn’t try at all.

I know that it’s bad to hold onto anger. It’s only hurting me. I know this. But getting it to stop just isn’t that easy. I’ve tried meditating on it and that just leaves me all tensed up and not at all relaxed and centered. I find the past running through my mind, specific times that I was so frustrated, and I end up all tensed up again.

I think the reason that I am having so much trouble getting past the anger is because I’m still struggling to get back on my feet. I sold my house to move and now there are fewer and fewer houses on the market that I can afford because the housing market is getting better and pushing more and more houses out of my price range.

I was happy in my life. I had everything that I needed and had made a pretty good life for my daughter and I. I thought he would add to that happiness.  I had everything and I gave it up to start a new life with him.  And now I’m left trying to pick up the pieces and let go of the anger.

Everything Happens For a Reason

When my relationship ended, there was this thought running through my mind that at this age I might as well just give up on the whole dating thing. Add this to all my previous relationship disasters and I didn’t see a reason to even bother.

Then a “married into our family” family member told me that she had been married twice before she married my family member (did you get that? I was sworn to secrecy so I have to be very careful). It helped me in how I was looking at my situation. I realized that I could do it. It wasn’t too late. That was just the relationship to help me realize that I could do what needed to be done to create a good relationship. I just needed to find someone who was willing and able to make that happen with me. Everything happens for a reason.

I started lifting my head up and looking around more. I wanted to see what I was missing while I was stuck inside my own head. I tried using a technique that I used to use all the time called the Buddha Smile where you make a conscious effort to smile all the time. It’s pretty amazing how much that can actually lift your spirits. It’s like it tricks your brain into thinking you are happy and then you feel happy. Everything happens for a reason.

So, while walking around smiling and really noticing the world around me, I started to see all the other people and then something happened…I met someone.

It was one of those meet-cutes that would make an awesome story for the grandkids. It was at the grocery store. He asked me if I knew how to tell if the pears were ripe. This cracked me up because I’m usually the one asking women around the produce section if stuff is ripe or if it’s supposed to look like that (I wonder if those women thought I was hitting on them). After admitting to him that I had absolutely no idea we started chatting. I noticed that he was dressed like he had just come from the office in his business casual getup. Usually that isn’t really a turn on to me but for some reason, he didn’t look uptight in them. His persona was more casual than business. And he was REALLY good-looking too, which didn’t hurt.

His name was John and he asked me if he could call me sometime because he’d like to take me out to dinner. About a thousand thoughts ran through my head at once. He’s really nice and that’s a hard thing to find. He obviously has a job and he’s soooo good-looking. And then I started to think, yeah, he’s nice, has a job and is good-looking so he deserves someone who is going to be all in for him. So I said “I would really love that, but I just got out of a relationship and I’m just not ready to date yet.” And oh the hurt look on his face. I felt so bad and was afraid that  maybe he didn’t believe me and actually considered telling him the awful story of the last two weeks with The Ex but decided that I didn’t owe that to him. I was being honest and he could do with that as he pleased. I needed to worry about myself and I know that getting back into the dating game this soon after getting out of a relationship is just not a good idea. But everything happens for a reason.

Since then I’ve paid more attention to the people around me and have noticed guys noticing me. And just little things like that have given me a much needed boost in the ego. Every time it happens a little voice in the back of my head says “You still got it girl!”

My heart and ego are on the mend! And I feel like I’m one step closer to becoming me again.

Why do we ignore the Red Flags??

I’ve had plenty of relationships that ended with me feeling like an ass because the red flags were all there for me to see!  So I hate to see a friend ignoring them.  Is it that we hope that we are wrong? Are we thinking that we can “change” them?  Is it that we really think maybe the red flags aren’t there?

A friend of mine was dating a guy (we’ll call him Red Flags) who was divorced. Red Flags’  kids were horrible, horrible children who were not disciplined at all. His ex-wife would go out on the weekends that he had the kids then lie and tell him she was getting a cold so he had to keep them longer (putting pictures on Facebook of yourself acting like a drunk whore he night before doesn’t help your “I’m sick” story) and he would leave them with my friend. I guess he had a terrible divorce and that was his excuse for not wanting to marry my friend (we’ll call her Heartbroken).  So, Heartbroken really wanted to have a child and told me that she was ok with him not wanting to get married, though it was news to me that she didn’t want to get married.  I told her that it seemed strange to me that he wanted to have a baby with her but not get married. She brushed my concerns aside and continued on her way.  She got pregnant, had a beautiful baby boy and everything seemed great. Well, they seemed great through Facebook and MySpace. I had moved up to NH from Maryland by then so I wasn’t there to see what was really going on. Long story short, Heartbroken just found out that Red Flags has been cheating on her since their son was 4 months old (he is now a year and a half).  She moved out and is telling me she never say it coming and can’t believe he would do this to her.  I don’t want to make her feel worse so I’m not pointing out the obvious red flags that followed this guy around because it’s easier to see the situation when you’re standing outside it.

This is the third friend of mine in the last year to find out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and/or lying about this or that, and being completely shocked by it after he was waving red flags in her face.

Why don’t we see that if they don’t want to marry us there is a reason (and him not being able to afford an engagement ring is not one of them)?  Why do we continue to wait and wait hoping that he will someday get it together and actually make a commitment? Why do we think that if he’s willing to have a baby with us, he’s committing?  A man having a baby with a woman is not a committment for him. If he wants out, he’s committed to every other weekend and maybe paying child support, not to the child’s mother.  Why don’t we listen to our friends when they try to warn us about the Red Flags of the world? Why do we waste so much of our time and energy on these Red Flags??

To date or not to date….that is no longer the question

After my friend from the left coast Lil’Devil Mama put herself bravely back into the dating pool, I decided to give it yet another shot. Once again, I found myself not really wanting to respond to the emails I was getting. I was having conversations with a couple of guys but I didn’t have any desire to take it any further than online friends to talk to.  I sent them each an email explaining that I had realized that I needed to work on me so I was going to take my profile down.  I wanted to make sure that they didn’t think that I had just lost interest in them, that’s a not so great feeling.

So, back to being happy being single, again. Ignoring the rules that society has created for woman.  Allowing myself to just be my happy being alone self.

Then, today I found the coolest blogger chick at Mely Speaks and she has created the best project ever, The Fabulously Single Project. What an amazing idea!!! What a perfect way to show society that it’s ok to be single!! There will be challenges and the first one I’m already having a smidge of trouble with:

“Go out to lunch or dinner, IN A RESTAURANT, by yourself”

Now I have no problem eating in a restaurant by myself. I’ve done it before and have been perfectly fine with it. It’s the extras that I’m not sure I can do:

You are also not allowed to:

A) Bring a book, newspaper, or magazine to read during your meal

B) Tweet, text, surf the web, do work or make any calls via your cell, or laptops for that matter.

B is no problem for me but I have always had a book with me when eating solo. I love to read. It’s my favorite “for me” thing to do. It would feel like a waste of very valuable reading time. Or maybe I’m just too chicken to just sit with myself out in public. I can do it in my living room while meditating easily. It’s not that I’m afraid of my own thoughts, I just feel like it wouldn’t be meditative for me….just wasting time…..

Textersation that shouldn’t have been…

I let myself get sucked into a textersation a couple of weeks ago that I knew I should have stopped before it started.  It started out just “I’m sorry”.  I know I should have just deleted it like I have been doing when The One That Wasn’t sends me a text. But for some reason, I let myself get sucked in (yes, he baited me and I took a great big bite). I had to know what exactly he was sorry for. I spent two hours doing things around the house and trying not to think about it but I just couldn’t bring myself to delete it and forget about it.  I decided to follow the advice I’ve been given for PMS. If you have a craving, give into it because if you don’t, it will eventually drive you nuts and cause you to eat the whole kitchen.  So I asked what he was sorry for.  I got the most general bullshit answer possible, “for hurting you”. Once again, should have deleted it and moved on but couldn’t.  So here is how the rest went:

Me: There are many ways you have hurt me, which one are you sorry for?

TOTW: For all the ways.

At this point I did actually start ignoring and was quite proud of myself until this text came:

TOTW: I knew that I had done too much damage and would never be able to make up for my mistake.  So I asked her to marry me because I knew I blew my chance with you.

And his next text:  I can still break off the engagement if you are willing to give me another chance.

Me:  WTF is wrong with you.  You are  just unbelievable. 

TOTW: Just remember that I will always LOVE YOU. (This is how every textersation has ended since I found out about Unknowing. Read the story here.)

Last season on So You Think You Can Dance, Ashleigh and Jakob did a routine to the song Whatcha Say .  I sat there watching this and felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again. I didn’t find out about the whole bullshit story because of a text, MySpace was the messenger. But I knew exactly how Ashleigh felt (or was pretending to feel). I had to go into the bathroom because my eyes starting welling up and I didn’t want my daughter to see me like that. Problem was, she loved the routine so much that she wanted to rewind it again and again and again and again (sometimes DVRs are very, very bad). I ended up taking the remote and “accidentally” deleting it.  But now the song is on the radio and they are listening to it in her dance class and it just seems to be everywhere.

The stupidest part is that there is this part of me that wants to go back to how it used to be.  I know that will never happen but it’s so hard to let go of something that just keeps coming back.  I would give anything to go back to the way it was. Yeah, it was up and down and back and forth but when two people with a lot of hurt from past relationships try to make it work, it’s gonna be a roller coaster ride. But I refuse to spend my life wondering. Wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with and what texts he has deleted from his phone. The pain consumes me sometimes but I have to suck it up and keep going. I have a daughter that needs all of my attention, physically and emotionally.  Like right now. I should go to bed so I can be fully on tomorrow for anything that she needs but I’m afraid of having the same dream I’ve been having for about a month now. And because I’ve been typing about it, I know I will. Instead of Ashleigh and Jakob on that stage, it’s me and him…..

Why is it more acceptable in our society to be divorced than never married?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is anything wrong with divorce.  If you are unhappy and have tried everything but nothing worked and especially if there are kids involved, then divorce was the right decision. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, marrying the wrong guy just happens to be one I haven’t made. 

What I don’t get is why people are so shocked when you say you have never been married.  It’s always the same thing. “I figured you were divorced. You’ve really never been married?”   Our society is so used to divorce that it’s just like another thing that people do. I was talking to some friends about this, both divorced, and they said well at least we tried.  Ok,  but why is it so unacceptable to not have made the mistake in the first place? Why am I looked at like a leper for never being married (and as I recently found out, a red flag to men possibly).  I refuse to settle and my daughter comes first.   Yes, I’ve become very comfortable in my girls only world and it would probably be pretty hard for me to let someone else in at this point but that doesn’t mean that if the right guy came along I wouldn’t give it a shot (maybe). But it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t open to the possibility of it before I got so comfy and had a child who become my reason for living.

 Why are we so adamant that we must pair off anyway?  It’s very possible to have a fulfilling, happy life being single.   And how can you really know if you actually love someone if you can’t be happy alone.   I think that may be part of the huge divorce rate.  People just can’t be alone so they jump into a marriage thinking they love someone but they actually just love not being alone.  When I first heard Taylor Swift’s song Love Story and the line where Romeo pr0poses saying you’ll never have to be alone I couldn’t believe it. Be with me so you’ll never have to be alone…WTF?  Is that the way we think now?  She was 16 when she sang that. Is that what we are teaching our children?

My One True Love and the Shit it Became

This whole thing has been weighing on me lately but I just don’t want to talk about it. Knowing myself, I know that I need to let it go so I’m thinking if I just get it out here, I’ll feel better.

For about 9 years, me and I’ll call him The One That Wasn’t, were on and off and up and down and back and forth. There was always someone in one of our lives getting in the way. Not to mention the fact that we were both carrying some serious pain from past relationships, commitment issues, etc. We met at a bar, but it wasn’t the usual bar pickup. A friend of a friend is married to his brother and she introduced me to him. I was smitten from the beginning. He was getting out of a relationship and my friend of a friend hated his ex-girlfriend and wanted to find him a “good woman” (not sure why she picked me..but then that was back when I was still niave nice). So, off we went. On and then off and then on and then off and then on and then off…you get the point. The weirdest part of it all was that we always ended up back in each other’s lives when we really needed each other. I would be having a particularly hard day and he would call out of the blue. He would be having trouble at work and we would drive past each other, turn around and meet in a parking lot or something. We would be at a bar that neither one of us had ever been to before after a hard day of work, we would end up at a town function and run into each other among thousands of people. We just always came back together. We were Carrie and Mr Big (no one will ever understand just how true that is!). I always believed that at some point everything would just come together and everyone who ever caused us problems would die and we would be together. No matter what, he was there in the back of my mind.

I eventually moved to New Hampshire from Maryland when my dad was offered a job in Mass. I wanted to be back with my whole family and we were in an off again position. I hadn’t lived near my family since I was 12 so I put all my stuff in my parent’s garage and the movers moved all my stuff too. He showed up on my doorstep the night before I was leaving. Everything was out of the apartment and I was just sitting in the living room reminiscing and there was a knock on the door. I almost stayed but I needed to get out of that horrible town where people couldn’t stand to see others happy.

A friend of mine came up to NH to visit and thought it would be funny to call him. So, here we went again. On and off and up and down and back and forth. He came to see me, I went to see him. Then, one day, while at work none the less, the same friend who convinced me to call him, calls me and tells me to go on her friend’s MySpace page and check out this girl, I’ll call her Unknowing, and there are pics of her with The One That Wasn’t and the caption says “My man and me.” So, since I’m at work I have to put on my tough face and get mad while my insides feel like they are in giant knots (I ended up throwing up in the bathroom when I could sneak away. That was fun). I confronted him and he basically talked in circles, never really admitting it. He had made me The Other Woman on top of the unbearable pain he had caused me and that was too much for me. Long story short, I told him he was dead to me.

Anger and hurt together are like living in a giant vice that squeezes and squeezes. They squeeze you together until you feel like your insides are going to explode. So, in order to get out of the vice, I forgave. But forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. He would text and I would respond with just short responses. Whenever the topic came up of us trying again or him coming to see me to try to make it up to me, I made it very clear that would never happen. There is forgiving and there is forgetting. That was forgiving and not forgetting.

And in the middle of drafting this, stupid me, I went onto Facebook to see if Unknowing has a Facebook page and now I know why he has been on my mind so much. There is a pic of the two of them and she has an engagement ring on and it’s very obviously an engagement picture but her profile is private so I couldn’t see anything else. I texted The One That Wasn’t asking if he is engaged…waiting, waiting, waiting…..Response: I am. Knife in heart and I end up locked in the bathroom at work trying to breath. Lucky for me I have a great friend that could talk me down through texts. I couldn’t breath and didn’t want others to hear anyway so I had to text her. Thank you!

Charlotte (Sex and the City) once said that you get two true loves in your life. So, I get one more shot at it, right. Once I’m done with my current job (raising Dancing Chick) maybe I’ll find him. But if not, that’s ok too. Like I’ve said before, I am perfectly happy being single.

26 Random Things about me.

I did this on Facebook and thought I would share with the blogospher

1. At night when I sit in my own living room in my comfy chair completely free of pain, I think of my grandfather in the nursing home who hasn’t sat in his own living room in his comfy chair free of pain in about 4 years and it makes me cry.

2. I tell Wonder Dog my secret dreams/ideas/thoughts that I’ll never admit to anyone. Every time I see those Bush’s Baked Beans commercial, I cringe.

3. Every year on my daughter’s birthday she wakes up to a single pink rose on her nightstand.

4. I have a journal in my nightstand where I write little quotes or advice for my daughter as things in life happen to me and/or her. Sometimes I just write little notes about something she did that made me smile. This will also be on her nightstand on her 18th birthday.

5. I want to own my own bookstore someday but know that with Barnes & Noble and Borders out there it would be very difficult.

6. I once spent 4 hours in a bookstore when my daughter was out of town with my parents.

7. I have the entire series of Gilmore Girls and have tried 8 times to sit down and watch it all the way through. Reality always gets in the way.

8. I can’t sit down and study or relax at night if I know that the kitchen is a mess…even when I can’t see it. It’s some kind of sickness.

9. I have learned to let go of my regrets through meditation.

10. I have moved 32 times, I think. I may have left a couple out.

11. I love snow. It makes me feel like I’ve left the real world.

12. I am learning to play the guitar so I can write songs.

13. I went to a Catholic school in 1st Grade. I am very thankful that it was only one year.

14. I wish someone would have sat down with me in high school and told me to get an English Lit degree and go into Publishing. Reading for a living would be a dream come true. Getting my masters in English Lit is something else that I’m considering, but I think it may be too late to get into that industry. I’ve also considered going to Law school. So as you can see, it’s really up in the air.

15. People don’t seem to believe me when I say that I’m happy being single. They can be very insistent that I would be so much happier if I was in a relationship to the point where they get mad at me (not sure what that is all about). I no longer listen. I now believe that I do know what is best for me, not everyone else.

16. I learned about Buddhism in a Philosophy class about 11 years ago. My professor spoke just a little bit about it but I was intrigued. I did my own research on it and it just made sense to me. The principles are very hard to follow because it’s basically about changing the way you think and act every moment of your life but when I am practicing like Buddha suggested, I feel much better.
It makes me sad that I can’t be more open about it because so many people judge what they don’t know. I wish they would learn just a little bit and then they would see that it’s more a philosophy of life than a religion. Sometimes I wonder if people get it mixed up with Islam when they look at me like there is something wrong with me after finding out I practice Buddhism. Do they think I’m a terrorist?
Right now I don’t have enough time to practice but now is when I really need it. My bad attitude for the last year or so is proof of that. I should probably be reading one of my books by the Dalai Lama instead of doing this. Lol

17. One of the things that I have taught my daughter is to always question everything and never just accept something because someone tells you it’s so. One day she kept asking me questions about something (I don’t even remember what it was I think it was about what temp it had to be for her to go outside and play). I said “stop questioning me and just go upstairs.” On her way up the stairs, she says “well mommy, you’re the one who always tells me to question everything.” I’ve never been so proud of her.

18. My brother and I have never gotten along but when he was younger someone punched him in the stomach and I put the kid in a headlock and punched him in the face. I’m the only one who can punch my brother!

19. When my family tries to remember something in the past we always have to first figure out where we lived at that time.

20. I”m scared to death that I’m going to try to fix something in the new house and it’s going to end up costing me a ton of money to fix what I made worse.

21. I would like to buy a house that is all windows. I love letting the sunshine in. But that wouldn’t be very energy efficient.

22. I no longer trust people until they give me a reason not to. Now I don’t trust people unless they give me a reason to trust them. I hate that.

23. When we were younger, my uncles (on my dad’s side) used to hang my cousins and I by our ankles over the railing at my grandmother’s house.

24. Nothing irritates me more than single mothers who don’t put their children first and portray themselves as a victim as they continue to make bad choice after bad choice. These are the only single mothers that society seems to see.

25. I played soccer all through school but haven’t played in 13 years. I miss it.

26.I would love to have a house full of dogs. Dancing Chick  informed me the other day that she would like to have her own dog kennel and grooming business so we may get to have that some day.

Single and staying that way!

When Dancing Chick was first born I thought that I would be able to find a good man who could “complete” our family because that’s what I thought would be best for this little person that I was completely responsible for now.  When she was young I dated, had a fairly serious relationship that didn’t work out, and thought that it shouldn’t be that hard to find someone.  I had dated plenty before I had her, same thing after, right?  Wrong! I didn’t realize how much pressure I would put on myself to find the right one.  And as she got older, it was harder and harder.  I heard so many stories of single mothers who’s boyfriends had hurt their children.  I couldn’t believe that they all knew what was going on and let it happen (I may be giving them more credit than they deserve).  I was afraid of bringing a bad person into Dancing Chick’s life. There was a constant voice in the back of my head saying “You already gave her one bad father, your better not fuck up again!”  

Then there was my very well intentioned family asking me how  my dating life was going and nonchalantly (sometimes blatantly) adding  how much better it would be for Dancing Chick if she had a father-figure in her life.  That added another voice in the back of my head (usually sounding quite a bit like my mother) saying “you better hurry up and find a father for Dancing Chick before you fuck her all up.”

So, off I went and dated here and there, nothing ever working out.  And after every bad situation I said I was done dating.  There was always someone there telling me I couldn’t give up and the right one would come along, blah, blah, blah.

Eventually I stopped meeting new people.  Working two jobs, working full-time and going to school, working two jobs and going to school…all kind of make you a bit tired and getting all dolled up to go out stops sounding appealing.  Sweats and couch was what I wanted more than anything on those rare occasions I had time to myself.  Then moving north just wiped out my friend list and it’s very hard to make new friends when you have a kid.

I eventually tried online dating.  It was fun while emailing back and forth, texting or talking on the phone but then eventually you have to meet.  I hated that first meeting!  HATED IT!  I would get all nervous and worry about what I would wear, etc, etc, etc and that’s really not like me.   It just wasn’t fun.  I had to make up a story to tell my mother because I just didn’t want to tell her I was dating because that was usually followed by a thousand questions.  Plus, I would have rather just stayed home with my favorite person and watch a movie in our nice little,  stable bubble.

And while dealing with the same thing over and over and over and over I’m thinking this whole thing is just ridiculous.  My life is awesome just the way it is.  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Dancing Chick is a very well adjusted, most of the time,  kid. I’m quite happy and have everything I could ever ask for.  It would be nice to have a second income but I’m just not the gold digging type so that’s not enough of an incentive to continue dealing with the bullshit.  But the voices in my head just kept telling me to keep going.  The voices outside my head continued to nag about it as well.

Then I read Single Mom’s Open Letter to President Obama at It’s All About Balance and she linked to  a recent study that talks about how family stability is more important than having two parents. That was all I needed to hear. I knew it was true but I had so many people telling me what I needed to/should do that those voices over-ruled my own.

So, here I am in my semi-perfect, happy little world with my three girls (two furry and one not), enjoying my life without the complications of bullshit and drama.  This is where I plan to stay!

Why is it so horrible?

Why is it so horrible that I like being single? Why is it that every time I say I just don’t want to put the energy into dating or a relationship I get “Well it’s worth it in the end.”? Seriously, it has never been worth my time…and then of course I get…you have to keep trying and one day it will be worth it. Why can’t I just enjoy my happy life? I have everything that I have ever wanted or need. It’s just so frustrating. I’m just tired of explaining it.