I’ve noticed lately that I look at myself very differently when I’m not running. I went a couple of weeks without running because it was so damn hot and humid around here that I just couldn’t do it. During that time, I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust. I walked around in a gray cloud and didn’t feel good about myself, was a less understanding mom, and didn’t have any motivation to do much around the house.
But when I am running, I notice that I’m not so tough on the girl in the mirror. It’s like I see her as the girl who kicked ass before 6am that morning. I notice the small changes in her body. Her arms are smaller. Her butt isn’t sticking out as far. Her calves are little bit tighter. He cheekbones are showing more. This didn’t all happen this morning during my run so why am I just now noticing? I like her more. I’m proud of her. And I realized that I walk around the rest of the day feeling a little bit better in her skin, more positive and just plain sunnier. I have this lingering sense of pride. I wanna scream from the rooftops “I freakin rock. I ran this morning!” It doesn’t matter that I’ve had to go back to week 4 of the Couch to 5K plan. I’m still proud of myself. I’m motivated to get shit accomplished. Everything just looks more possible. I feel like I could conquer anything.
Yoga changes my outlook too. I feel more centered and awake on the days I do yoga. I recently found my yoga DVDs in a box so for the past two weeks, I’ve been doing some yoga in the morning on my non-running days. Nothing too strenuous. Just my yoga for beginners DVD. There is no soreness after I’m done, but there is that same lingering sense of pride.
The Best Friend made a comment when he was helping me get ready for my date Friday. I was telling him that I was excited but nervous. And he said that he hopes my date was nice and not homophobic (did I mention that the best friend is a gay dude?) I then responded with what I was really afraid of…”I hope he doesn’t think I’m too fat.” He asked if I thought I was, to which I responded “Yup.” Being the softy that he has become in his old age, he says “That’s not the right answer. How are you gonna love somebody else if you don’t love yourself?” I quickly replied that I love myself inside just not outside (I had not run that morning because it was raining. I wonder how I would have judged myself had I got out and ran in the rain……).
I do love my outside when I think about what my body is capable of. How far I’ve come with my running…. or how strong I feel when standing in warrior pose, But only when I’ve actually done one or the other that morning. I’ve had his question hanging out in the back of my mind ever since. It will pop in my head when I’m being hard on myself about something. Its making me look at how I talk to myself and I realize that I’m actually mentally abusing myself. How stupid is that?
I wonder if it’s the endorphins that are making me feel proud or just the simple fact that I pushed myself further than I thought I could…..and before 6am……
Well, I did it! This past weekend I ran my first 5K in the pouring rain. Well, ran is kinda pushing it. Since the event was at the New Hampshire Motorspeedway, I figured that we would be running around the actual track. Since there are no hills on a racetrack, I’ve been training on a road that has no hills. Back and forth, back and forth, just trying to get through the minutes for the Couch to 5K program. Then I find out the week before that the race isn’t actually on the track itself, it’s out on a paved path. Well, that path had hills, and big ones. Hills that kicked my ass. I couldn’t even make it up the first hill. And then we went down a big hill and I noticed that runners were coming up the other side. I was having trouble running down this damn hill, how the hell was I gonna run back up??? I told myself that I didn’t have to run up it. That it was a fun run and most people were walking anyway so I shouldn’t feel bad. When we finally made it to the finish line, Willow and I crossed it together. I was disappointed that I couldn’t run the whole thing but was happy that I ran as much as I could.
Then there was the after-race party: Music, dancing, lots of color and unfortunately, more rain. But we had a blast!
Now I’m signing up for a 5K Race at the end of June that isn’t so ass kicking hilly and I will run all of this one!
Finished week 7 this morning. Twenty five minutes of straight running. Just a hair under 2 miles. It was actually easy until about 3/4 of the way thru. I felt a pull in my right thigh and my mind went all negative. But I just kept going and the pain went away.
I’m a little nervous since I’m two weeks away from my first 5k but I’m only running two miles. I’ve heard that the adrenaline gets you all pumped up to finish the race but the thought of running another mile scares me. But I’m not going to let fear get in my way. I’m going to just keep swimming.
And, some happy news! Things are moving forward with the house. I got rid of all the incompetence surrounding me and things are progressing. I may even get to close next week!!!!
Hi my name is Lotus and I’m a junk food addict. Hi Lotus.
I have a frustratingly stupid addiction. Junk food. I have an emotional relationship with food. Maybe it’s more of a emotional addiction to junk food because I crave it when I’m sad and I want it to celebrate when I’m happy and I use it to cover up hurt.
I read over at Zen Habits I was reading about Mindful Eating and it made sense. Basically, it’s being in the moment when we eat. Noticing what we are eating and being aware of how our body feels while we eat, especially our stomachs. I downloaded a couple of books, Mindful Eating by Thich Nhat Hanh and Lilian Cheung and You Losing Weight by Dr. Oz but have not yet finished either yet so I don’t have a plan to set in motion for that yet.
Eating right has always been my biggest obstacle to losing weight. I think this is going to require a comibination of learning to eat right and getting my head on straight so this one is going to be a little tougher. The first step in my plan is to put an actual plan together. Something that I have never tried before.
I have a treadmill. It’s not like I have to go to the gym, or even step foot outside. There’s no excuse. I just need a fire lit under my arse.
So, in order to light my fire, I talked to girls at work into running a 5k with me in the spring. Now that I have shot off my mouth, I’m really going to have to do the work.
I’ve done the Couch 2 5k program before. I finished it then went outside to try to run and couldn’t run more than 3 minutes. I realized the hard way that running on the road is much harder than running on a treadmill. But I also learned that if you up the incline, it will be more like running on the road.
- Start getting up earlier each day this week. That means not hitting snooze (oy). Before I met The Ex I was getting up at 4am to get on the treadmill before work. Late night phone calls nixed that and I haven’t done it since.
- Do the entire nine week Couch to 5K program and run a 5k in the spring with the girls from work.
- Start on the treadmill while it’s still cold out but get out whenever I can.
- Do yoga 3 nights a week for strength training until I’m done with the Couch to 5K program. (That is if I can find my yoga mat, etc.)
I will make adjustments to this plan as I go along. I know I can do this because I’ve done it before. I just need to get out of my own way!
Whether reading, writing, playing guitar, creating some lotions and potions or some new craft, I need to step up my creativity.
I’ve already done the first thing to rev up my creativity and that was to get this blog up and running again and posting regularly. Now I just need to continue with that
The second thing that I want to do is get back to guitar lessons. I found out that the place that Willow will be taking her dance lessons, also offers music lessons. And, the teacher is ok with me only attending lessons every two weeks so that will cut the monthly bill from $60 to $30! Can’t beat that, especially since I was paying $86 a month at the last place. I would like to write songs some day. I have a ton of poetry that I have written since I was around 8 years old. I would like to be able to start writing lyrics and put them to music. I know it will be a while before I can do that, but I have plenty of time. For now, I’m going to continue to learn how to read music (not the most exciting thing but I want to be able to pick up any piece of music and play it) and practice, practice, practice.
Willow and I also got a book on knitting from Santa. I’m hoping that is something that we can also do during “tween time”. My goal is to have knit one scarf by the end of the year…no matter how ugly it is.
I would also like to start creating some more soap and lotions but with my hovering mother, it’s not exactly relaxing. Spending any more than 3 minutes in the kitchen brings in the hovering mom and then all fun is just out the window. So, that may have to wait until I find my own place.
These are just a couple of the ways I want to rev up my creativity. There may be more things I want to try as I go along but this is my plan for now.
Meditation has done me a lot of good. It has helped me to realize a lot about myself and that’s just in the sporadic amount that I have done it. I know that if I did it on a more regular basis it would probably create a whole new me. I know how to do it. It’s not hard. I only need to find five minutes at a time to start so what’s my problem? I have no idea.
- I plan on joining the meditation group at church that meets at 7pm on Mondays. I’m thinking that if I have to go and talk to people about meditation, that may get me to do it more often so I have something to talk about.
- Instead of trying to get up earlier to do it, I’m going to take 5 minutes after tucking in Willow to sit and meditate each night. I’m putting a reminder in my phone to try to keep me on track.I will do this every week night for one month. Then I will revisit it to see if I’m ready to try some other types of meditation.
I’m only starting with five minutes and doing a breath counting meditation that is a simple way to start. I just need to start.
If only I could find a place like this to sit and meditate I’ll bet I’d do it a lot more!