Well, week 4 and week 5 are under my belt. And the last day of week 5, I ran for 20 minutes straight. I was amazed that my body could actually do that. There were even times when I just forgot I was running and went inside my head. It wasn’t nearly as hard I was imagining it would be (isn’t that always the case?)
Then over the weekend my body kicked me in the ass. I couldn’t get myself to do anything all day Saturday. My body just didn’t want to move. Then Sunday I somehow found the motivation to get my running sneaks on and get out the door. But once I started running, I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. My body just wouldn’t cooperate and I felt like my lungs were going to explode. I gave up about 3 minutes into the first running interval and tried again the next one. Only got about 30 seconds into that one and I was done. I walked home with my head low and all kinds of negative thoughts running thru my head. As the day progressed I started to feel like every muscle in my body was tensed up. It started in my shoulders and gradually worked its way down my body. Monday morning brought me unable to get up and out the door for a run and then unable to make my body move in any way so I stayed home from work. Tuesday morning I couldn’t get up and out the door for a run because I had a lot of trouble sleeping Monday night but I did get to work, though wasn’t very productive. By last night, I was starting to feel like myself again. And this morning I got out and ran. It was tough but I’m very glad I did.
I realized something on my run. This was all because of stress. My body basically tied itself up in knots because of the stress I’ve been under with all the problems with getting this house. I always carry my stress in my shoulders. So the fact that it started there clued me in on the source.
I can’t let this happen. I thought I was dealing with the stress as it came but obviously not. I’ve felt like the Universe was punishing me for making a bad decision to sell my house and move in with the ex and I’ve been carrying that around with me. A person can only take so much punishment, especially when we are punishing ourselves.
I’m working on forgiving myself. I’m working on not punishing myself for something that I thought was the right thing to do at the time I did it. It’s not easy, but I have to do this…..for my health.