I’ve noticed lately that I look at myself very differently when I’m not running. I went a couple of weeks without running because it was so damn hot and humid around here that I just couldn’t do it. During that time, I looked at myself in the mirror with disgust. I walked around in a gray cloud and didn’t feel good about myself, was a less understanding mom, and didn’t have any motivation to do much around the house.
But when I am running, I notice that I’m not so tough on the girl in the mirror. It’s like I see her as the girl who kicked ass before 6am that morning. I notice the small changes in her body. Her arms are smaller. Her butt isn’t sticking out as far. Her calves are little bit tighter. He cheekbones are showing more. This didn’t all happen this morning during my run so why am I just now noticing? I like her more. I’m proud of her. And I realized that I walk around the rest of the day feeling a little bit better in her skin, more positive and just plain sunnier. I have this lingering sense of pride. I wanna scream from the rooftops “I freakin rock. I ran this morning!” It doesn’t matter that I’ve had to go back to week 4 of the Couch to 5K plan. I’m still proud of myself. I’m motivated to get shit accomplished. Everything just looks more possible. I feel like I could conquer anything.
Yoga changes my outlook too. I feel more centered and awake on the days I do yoga. I recently found my yoga DVDs in a box so for the past two weeks, I’ve been doing some yoga in the morning on my non-running days. Nothing too strenuous. Just my yoga for beginners DVD. There is no soreness after I’m done, but there is that same lingering sense of pride.
The Best Friend made a comment when he was helping me get ready for my date Friday. I was telling him that I was excited but nervous. And he said that he hopes my date was nice and not homophobic (did I mention that the best friend is a gay dude?) I then responded with what I was really afraid of…”I hope he doesn’t think I’m too fat.” He asked if I thought I was, to which I responded “Yup.” Being the softy that he has become in his old age, he says “That’s not the right answer. How are you gonna love somebody else if you don’t love yourself?” I quickly replied that I love myself inside just not outside (I had not run that morning because it was raining. I wonder how I would have judged myself had I got out and ran in the rain……).
I do love my outside when I think about what my body is capable of. How far I’ve come with my running…. or how strong I feel when standing in warrior pose, But only when I’ve actually done one or the other that morning. I’ve had his question hanging out in the back of my mind ever since. It will pop in my head when I’m being hard on myself about something. Its making me look at how I talk to myself and I realize that I’m actually mentally abusing myself. How stupid is that?
I wonder if it’s the endorphins that are making me feel proud or just the simple fact that I pushed myself further than I thought I could…..and before 6am……
We are in the house and I’m starting to feel like a grown up again! It’s like I have my own life back. I have everything that is important, unpacked and put away. Just need to figure out where I’m going to put and organize all that not-so-important stuff. But that’s the fun part of a new house. Willow is slowly getting her stuff together. Last weekend she went to the Cape with my parents to have the inspection done on their new house so she wasn’t around to get it together but we’ll get there. And this weekend I got the yard all mowed, the gardens all weeded and Willow and my dad got our new pool up. There’s nothing like getting a bunch of yard work done and then taking a dip in the pool!
I have been doing a little bit of running in my new neighborhood. There’s a sidewalk on the main road that is about 1/2 mile from my house. I’m amazed at how much more relaxed I am running on the sidewalk. It’s so nice not to spend my whole run worrying about dodging cars. Only problem is that with all the moving and organizing, I didn’t have time or utensils to cooks so we ate a lot of fast food. That caused me some problems on my first couple of runs in the new neighborhood. I was basically the poster child for crap in, crap out. This morning was a bit better. Still did some walking but that’s ok. I tried to talk myself out of the run while lying in my nice bed with my awesome new mattress and the AC keeping the icky humidity out. But eventually, I berated my laziness enough to get my ass up and out the door and that’s the hardest part.
I’m on day 30 something or maybe 40 of no-sugar. I’ve really shocked myself in how well I’m doing with that. I’ve lost 10.4 lbs and the cravings are getting fewer and far between. Our neighbors gave us a couple of Drumsticks (my favorite ice cream treat!) this weekend when it was hot out. Willow ate hers and I put mine in the freezer for her to have another day. It was in there for 3 days and after the first day, I forgot all about it. That’s huge!
I’m starting to feel less guilt about the huge mistake that I made in moving us. I’m coming around to that part when you see why something really bad happens. We are in a better house, we are both happy again, and now I know better than to allow someone else to hold my happiness.
Well, I did it! This past weekend I ran my first 5K in the pouring rain. Well, ran is kinda pushing it. Since the event was at the New Hampshire Motorspeedway, I figured that we would be running around the actual track. Since there are no hills on a racetrack, I’ve been training on a road that has no hills. Back and forth, back and forth, just trying to get through the minutes for the Couch to 5K program. Then I find out the week before that the race isn’t actually on the track itself, it’s out on a paved path. Well, that path had hills, and big ones. Hills that kicked my ass. I couldn’t even make it up the first hill. And then we went down a big hill and I noticed that runners were coming up the other side. I was having trouble running down this damn hill, how the hell was I gonna run back up??? I told myself that I didn’t have to run up it. That it was a fun run and most people were walking anyway so I shouldn’t feel bad. When we finally made it to the finish line, Willow and I crossed it together. I was disappointed that I couldn’t run the whole thing but was happy that I ran as much as I could.
Then there was the after-race party: Music, dancing, lots of color and unfortunately, more rain. But we had a blast!
Now I’m signing up for a 5K Race at the end of June that isn’t so ass kicking hilly and I will run all of this one!