Category Archives: Addiction

And I’m back!


We are in the house and I’m starting to feel like a grown up again! It’s like I have my own life back.  I have everything that is important, unpacked and put away. Just need to figure out where I’m going to put and organize all that not-so-important stuff. But that’s the fun part of a new house.  Willow is slowly getting her stuff together. Last weekend she went to the Cape with my parents to have the inspection done on their new house so she wasn’t around to get it together but we’ll get there. And this weekend I got the yard all mowed, the gardens all weeded and Willow and my dad got our new pool up. There’s nothing like getting a bunch of yard work done and then taking a dip in the pool!

I have been doing a little bit of running in my new neighborhood. There’s a sidewalk on the main road that is about 1/2 mile from my house. I’m amazed at how much more relaxed I am running on the sidewalk. It’s so nice not to spend my whole run worrying about dodging cars.   Only problem is that with all the moving and organizing, I didn’t have time or utensils to cooks so we ate a lot of fast food. That caused me some problems on my first couple of runs in the new neighborhood. I was basically the poster child for crap in, crap out. This morning was a bit better. Still did some walking but that’s ok. I tried to talk myself out of the run while lying in my nice bed with my awesome new mattress and the AC keeping the icky humidity out. But eventually, I berated my laziness enough to get my ass up and out the door and that’s the hardest part.

I’m on day 30 something or maybe 40 of no-sugar. I’ve really shocked myself in how well I’m doing with that. I’ve lost 10.4 lbs and the cravings are getting fewer and far between. Our neighbors gave us a couple of Drumsticks (my favorite ice cream treat!) this weekend when it was hot out. Willow ate hers and I put mine in the freezer for her to have another day. It was in there for 3 days and after the first day, I forgot all about it. That’s huge!

I’m starting to feel less guilt about the huge mistake that I made in moving us. I’m coming around to that part when you see why something really bad happens. We are in a better house, we are both happy again, and now I know better than to allow someone else to hold my happiness. nothing i


2013 Goal #4 Mindful eating

gaols 2013

Hi my name is Lotus and I’m a junk food addict. Hi Lotus.

I have a frustratingly stupid addiction. Junk food. I have an emotional relationship with food. Maybe it’s more of a emotional addiction to junk food because I crave it when I’m sad and I want it to celebrate when I’m happy and I use it to cover up hurt.

I read over at Zen Habits I was reading about Mindful Eating and it made sense. Basically, it’s being in the moment when we eat. Noticing what we are eating and being aware of how our body feels while we eat, especially our stomachs. I downloaded a couple of books, Mindful Eating by Thich Nhat Hanh and Lilian Cheung and You Losing Weight by Dr. Oz but have not yet finished either yet so I don’t have a plan to set in motion for that yet.

Eating right has always been my biggest obstacle to losing weight. I think this is going to require a comibination of learning to eat right and getting my head on straight so this one is going to be a little tougher. The first step in my plan is to put an actual plan together. Something that I have never tried before.

Going Vegetarian

I’ve been listening to “Skinny Bitch” on my iPod while on the treadmill. I bought the audiobook a long time ago but didn’t listen to the whole thing. Then a friend of mine was talking about it on Facebook so I gave it another shot. The part that I missed was when they read an excerpt from the book Slaughterhouse: The Shocking Story of Greed, Neglect, and Inhumane Treatment Inside the U.S. Meat Industry . It was so horrible that I started crying on the treadmill and couldn’t listen to the whole thing. I knew that the factory farming industry was bad but I had no idea. Then I ended up over at and found this video (WARNING: This video is awful, no horrendous, no, there’s no word to describe it. I could not watch the whole thing but I can’t get the picture of a poor baby piglet having his teeth cut and screaming out of my head). The thought of helping these assholes do this to these animals, makes me gag, literally.

So I’m trying some recipes and trying to get my daughter to go along without kicking and screaming. I had already started curbing our addiction to processed foods by making snacks and treats at home.  She hates red meat so that’s not a problem. Tonight we had the only red meat thing that I didn’t have to fight her on, tacos. I used Morning Star grille crumbles and she loved it. Though the vegan brownies with tofu that I tried, were not a hit, thanks to @sleeplessinsimi I have a better recipe that I will be trying hopefully tomorrow.

We are two girls who have become junk food addicts and who are scared of veggies. Can we really make this much of a change?

A new year=365 new days

And that means 365 chances to be a better, calmer, and more centered me. So, this year isn’t going to be about big sweeping changes. I’m going to work on being the best person I can be each day.

There will not be a “diet” this year, there will be healthy eating. Dieting makes me think of nothing but food all day long.  And it makes me very cranky and snippy.  This crankiness is usually taken out quite a bit on my work neighbor.  She is over 6 feet tall, skinny and beautiful. So I pretty much hate her when I’m dieting. This is not fair to her. So just making a conscious effort to eat healthier will (I think) work better for me.  I need to do this for my daughter as much as for myself.  The little junk food junky that I have created is starting to get a little junk in her trunk. And I don’t want her to be 34 and still be a junk food junky (like her mother).  The fact that I HATE to cook is the main issue that must be dealt with here. I’ve tried all the things that are supposed to help make cooking easier. What it comes down to is that I am just too lazy to do it.  It’s wasting too much money and creating a terrible habit that will be very hard for Dancing Chick to kick the older she gets.

The laziness comes from the slovenly lifestyle that I have sunk back into.  I know that if I get my huge, lazy ass out of bed and take the two steps (yes, literally two steps) to the treadmill in the morning I will not only have more energy but my entire outlook and attitude will change. It’s amazing how quickly I have lost sight of goals because my laziness makes it easy to not do it rather than work hard. I hate that.  That is such a terrible role model for my kid. I took last term off from my classes so that has helped me to be even lazier. When I am doing some kind of running program I feel better about myself and just have a better outlook in general. And I know this. I have more energy.  And I know this. I give my kid more attention and have more patience with her. And I know this. I lose weight and feel more in control. And I know this. I have a general, all-around sunnier disposition. And I know this. So why can’t I just do it?  I don’t know that.

So instead of making my usual list of resolutions that make me just too overwhelmed that I give up on all of them, I am going to take each day and do what I know I should do. Get up early and use my treadmill, eat healthier, meditate, get homework/reading done before the exact minute it is due, get to bed earlier and anything else that I know will help me be the  me I want to be each day. All of this together will help me accomplish the biggest resolution I have for myself and that is to be a better me, the me that I know I can be and really want to be. It’s just time to get out of my own way.

Implementing plan of action for breaking tv addicton

child-watching-television-silhouetteSo, TV has been a huge part of my life since I can remember. I had a convo with my mom the other day on the way home from visiting my grandfather. She grew up with the TV always on in the background so we did too. Now it’s an addiction. I sit and say to myself “OK, one more show then it’s time to do some homework/cleaning/reading etc.” But it turns into hours. I don’t have time for that. I get stuff done during the commercials but when I think of all the time I am wasting when there are so many other things I want to do I could kick myself.

First I am going to try to get my work schedule changed. I want to work 7:30-3:30 so I can have more time with the Dancing chick at night. I would like to take the dogs out for a walk and cook dinner (and stop wasting money and fat on take out). That would also give me some time on Mon-Wed to get grocery shopping done or errands while she is at her dance lessons. Plus Grandma has been a bit much to deal with for her after school…that’s a whole other post.

Yesterday I left work at 4:15 and drove to get the two furry girls and then went back to get Dancing Chick at her lessons. We got home, she took a shower while I cooked pancakes for dinner. We sat at the dining room table and talked. Then, after she cleared the table, we sat and each did our homework. When that was done it was about 7:20. We had separate reading time and went to our couches and read. At 8:10 I said it’s bedtime and she begged me to let her read more. I was shocked but didn’t give in. So, I put her to bed, washed my face and the dishes, and sat down and did some more homework. I didn’t even turn on the TV until 9:30 and only allowed myself one 30 minute TV show and was in bed by 10:15 (well, fun reading in bed). Got up this morning at 6am and started the day.

This is about the hundredth time I have said that we are going to cut the TV out so I’m really hoping that I can do it this time. I want to get back to practicing guitar and reading more and just being more active with the girls. I know it’s mostly laziness. At the end of the day I’m just out of energy and I know why. I have a damn treadmill right in my bedroom so why can’t I get my lazy ass on it. I bought more yoga DVDs, I’ve opened the packages but haven’t done them yet. So what is wrong with me??? I know if I just start I will be fine, it’s the just starting that I have so much trouble with.