I’ve noticed around the single mom blogosphere there is a lot of talk about not getting child support and how frustrating it is. There was even a letter writing campaign to the President going around to try to get support laws changed. I want to tell them to just let it go but I know what their response will be. “My kids deserve it so I will fight for it.” No, your kids deserve a calm, centered mother. Money is just money. There is a lot of time, energy and money spent chasing down child support. I understand wanting help with raising children that we didn’t make by ourselves but at what point should we say “I’m going to take care of them myself so I don’t have to rely on this Deadbeat anymore?” Not to mention the sense of pride that comes from not relying on anyone else. I started with nothing and worked my way up to a new home, an education, and a great job with a lot of potential, without help from my daughter’s father. I still get frustrated sometimes and want to rip his balls off but once I let it go and spend calm time with Willow, life is so much better.
No matter what laws are made to try to make deadbeats pay, they will always find a way around it. There are too many organizations out there trying to get fathers their “rights”. Berkshire Fatherhood Coalition is trying to help the father of my friend’s kids only have to pay $200ish a month for two of his kids. Not to mention the other three children he has (five total). He is claiming that he had to quit his job (making $100k) because he had no support in the area. He told everyone he was moving to live with his sister in Georgia but actually moved in with his girlfriend in Tennessee.
How about helping single moms make it on their own without relying on support, programs for giving single moms more support and self-confidence. A friend of mine is recently divorced. She came to me before she left her husband and asked for my advice. The only piece of advice I gave her was to never, ever rely on child support. She didn’t heed my warning and signed a lease, put her youngest in an expensive daycare, both of which she could not afford without her $1600 a month of child support. I told her many times that she needed to make sure she could make it on her own but she insisted that it was court ordered and he wouldn’t quit his job. Well, guess what. He quit his job and moved across the country and hasn’t paid any support in about 6 months. She keeps going to court to try to fight it and is completely stressed out about all the court hearings. I tried to get her to relax by explaining that no matter what happens, she still may not get the support so let it go. I found out today that she is only going to take it so far and then let it go. I’m very proud of her!
My child support is court ordered and I receive it sporadically at best. But that is fine with me. It’s a nice surprise when it comes. I don’t see it as him punishing my daughter and I. I see it that I have created this stable world for my daughter, I did, just me, all by myself. My daughter is not spoiled (well, a little by my parents). She has learned that she can’t have everything. I don’t need a big fancy house and expensive car to be happy and neither does she. Teaching our children that less is more is probably the best thing we can do for them (and the planet).
Please do not tell me that single moms can’t get good jobs. First of all, a potential employer should never know that you are a mother, never mind a single mother. This is not something that should come up in an interview or be on your resume. And there are a ton of federal grant programs for going back to school. You just have to apply for them.
After you are done feeling insulted, stop and think about it. I’m not insulting you, I’m trying to open your eyes, empower you. We don’t have to be victims. We can take back control of our lives. The best way to get back at these deadbeats is to show them that they can’t hurt us. They think that by keeping this money from us they can still control us. It’s time to stop being a victim of their games. And stop being victims in general. Help yourself!!!!!!!!!
Enjoying the Ride 
I enjoyed reading your post. My chidren aren’t deprived or hurt by the “things” they can’t have because it is out of our means. They are learning early that families budget, sacrifice, and prioritize their money, time, etc. They are learning lessons in creative planning and contentment. I think my children are blessed to have learned these lessons at their young ages.
I think you absolutely rock!! So wise and candid this post is – way to go! I’ve been a single mom all of my daughter’s 16 years and without child support, without her father involved. And true, we don’t own a house, or even a car right now. Every job I’ve had was a minimum wage struggle. I went back to college and still couldn’t find a good job in our repressed area. BUT that said, we are happy, non- materialistic and live simply and genuinely. My daughter has learned the difference between wants and needs, and that she never has to depend on a man to make her way in life.
peace
Thanks Boho. I went back and forth with the idea of actually posting it. But in the end I figured if I can help one woman not stress herself out over, then it’s worth it.
My thoughts are to go for it as hard as you can – but never depend on it for day to day living. I have three children with the same man and if he were to completely abandon child support, we would end up on government assistance. I am college educated and employed, but his support only goes to cover child care expenses. It is a complicated process inded.
My comment ended up being its own post: http://formerlyaprildawn.blogspot.com/2013/02/neither-victim-nor-hero.html