I’m angry. And I can’t stop it.

I’m angry because I was tricked into believing that he was someone that he wasn’t.  I gave up everything, sold my house, packed up my shit and moved everything, and he didn’t even try. I made a huge mistake and moved my daughter away from her school, her dance studio, her friends and her grandparents and put her into what turned out to be a bad situation. I’m angry at myself for believing that I was doing the right thing. I’m angry at myself for letting my guard down, even though it was only one time but of course, the wrong time. I’m angry that I can’t trust my own instincts because I obviously make bad decisions. I’m angry because I tried so hard and gave up so much and he just didn’t try at all.

holding anger

I know that it’s bad to hold onto anger. It’s only hurting me. I know this. But getting it to stop just isn’t that easy. I’ve tried meditating on it and that just leaves me all tensed up and not at all relaxed and centered. I find the past running through my mind, specific times that I was so frustrated, and I end up all tensed up again. next chapter

I think the reason that I am having so much trouble getting past the anger is because I’m still struggling to get back on my feet. I sold my house to move and now there are fewer and fewer houses on the market that I can afford because the housing market is getting better and pushing more and more houses out of my price range.

I was happy in my life. I had everything that I needed and had made a pretty good life for my daughter and I. I thought he would add to that happiness.  I had everything and I gave it up to start a new life with him.  And now I’m left trying to pick up the pieces and let go of the anger.


Oy…Enough with the tween-ness already!

For crying out loud. I’m at the end of my rope with the tween-ness. The eye-rolling, the big “you’re so stupid” sighs, the ignoring of chore lists, the ignoring of my directions, the lateness due to hair preparing, the giant mess of all clothes, clean or otherwise, the constant “in a minute”s are pushing me to the brink of adding smacking to my parenting box.


I know you are supposed to pick your battles. I know that she is testing the boundaries. I know that she thinks I don’t understand what she’s going through. I know that she thinks I am just her stupid mother. I know that it’s only going to get worse from here. BUT…..that’s all very hard to remember when she’s putting her finger up at me and saying “in a minute.” Sometimes it helps to picture myself sticking her own finger up her nose but not usually.

Single Moms Don’t Have To Be Victims.

childsupportI’ve noticed around the single mom blogosphere there is a lot of talk about not getting child support and how frustrating it is. There was even a  letter writing campaign to the President going around to try to get support laws changed.  I want to tell them to just let it go but I know what their response will be.  “My kids deserve it so I will fight for it.”  No, your kids deserve a calm, centered mother.  Money is just money. There is a lot of time, energy and money spent chasing down child support.  I understand wanting help with raising children that we didn’t make by ourselves but at what point should we say “I’m going to take care of them myself so I don’t have to rely on this Deadbeat anymore?” Not to mention the sense of pride that comes from not relying on anyone else. I started with nothing and worked my way up to a new home, an education, and a great job with a lot of potential, without help from my daughter’s father.  I still get frustrated sometimes and want to rip his balls off but once I let it go and spend calm time with Willow, life is so much better.

No matter what laws are made to try to make deadbeats pay, they will always find a way around it. There are too many organizations out there trying to get fathers their  “rights”.   Berkshire Fatherhood Coalition is trying to help the father of my friend’s kids only  have to pay $200ish a month for two of his kids. Not to mention the other three children he has (five total). He is claiming that he had to quit his job (making $100k) because he had no support in the area.  He told everyone he was moving to live with his sister in Georgia but actually moved in with his girlfriend in Tennessee.

How about helping single moms make it on their own without relying on support, programs for giving single moms more support and self-confidence. A friend of mine is recently divorced.  She came to me before she left her husband and asked for my advice.  The only piece of advice I gave her was to never, ever rely on child support.  She didn’t heed my warning and signed a lease, put her youngest in an expensive daycare, both of which she could not afford without her $1600 a month of child support.  I told her many times that she needed to make sure she could make it on her own but she insisted that it was court ordered and he wouldn’t quit his job.  Well, guess what.  He quit his job and moved across the country and hasn’t paid any support in about 6 months.  She keeps going to court to try to fight it and is completely stressed out about all the court hearings.  I tried to get her to relax by explaining that no matter what happens, she still may not get the support so let it go.  I found out today that she is only going to take it so far and then let it go. I’m very proud of her!

My child support is court ordered and I receive it sporadically at best.  But that is fine with me.  It’s a nice surprise when it comes.  I don’t see it as him punishing my daughter and I.  I see it that I have created this stable world for my daughter, I did, just me, all by myself.  My daughter is not spoiled (well, a little by my parents).  She has learned that she can’t have everything.  I don’t need a big fancy house and expensive car to be happy and neither does she.  Teaching our children that less is more is probably the best thing we can do for them (and the planet).

Please do not tell me that single moms can’t get good jobs.  First of all, a potential employer should never know that you are a mother, never mind a single mother.  This is not something that should come up in an interview or be on your resume. And there are a ton of federal grant programs for going  back to school. You just have to apply for them.

After you are done feeling insulted, stop and think about it. I’m not insulting you, I’m trying to open your eyes, empower you.  We don’t have to be victims.  We can take back control of our lives.  The best way to get back at these deadbeats is to show them that they can’t hurt us.  They think that by keeping this money from us they can still control us.  It’s time to stop being a victim of their games.  And stop being victims in general.  Help yourself!!!!!!!!!

2013 Goal #4 Mindful eating

gaols 2013

Hi my name is Lotus and I’m a junk food addict. Hi Lotus.

I have a frustratingly stupid addiction. Junk food. I have an emotional relationship with food. Maybe it’s more of a emotional addiction to junk food because I crave it when I’m sad and I want it to celebrate when I’m happy and I use it to cover up hurt.

I read over at Zen Habits I was reading about Mindful Eating and it made sense. Basically, it’s being in the moment when we eat. Noticing what we are eating and being aware of how our body feels while we eat, especially our stomachs. I downloaded a couple of books, Mindful Eating by Thich Nhat Hanh and Lilian Cheung and You Losing Weight by Dr. Oz but have not yet finished either yet so I don’t have a plan to set in motion for that yet.

Eating right has always been my biggest obstacle to losing weight. I think this is going to require a comibination of learning to eat right and getting my head on straight so this one is going to be a little tougher. The first step in my plan is to put an actual plan together. Something that I have never tried before.

Everything Happens For a Reason

When my relationship ended, there was this thought running through my mind that at this age I might as well just give up on the whole dating thing. Add this to all my previous relationship disasters and I didn’t see a reason to even bother.

Then a “married into our family” family member told me that she had been married twice before she married my family member (did you get that? I was sworn to secrecy so I have to be very careful). It helped me in how I was looking at my situation. I realized that I could do it. It wasn’t too late. That was just the relationship to help me realize that I could do what needed to be done to create a good relationship. I just needed to find someone who was willing and able to make that happen with me. Everything happens for a reason.

I started lifting my head up and looking around more. I wanted to see what I was missing while I was stuck inside my own head. I tried using a technique that I used to use all the time called the Buddha Smile where you make a conscious effort to smile all the time. It’s pretty amazing how much that can actually lift your spirits. It’s like it tricks your brain into thinking you are happy and then you feel happy. Everything happens for a reason.

So, while walking around smiling and really noticing the world around me, I started to see all the other people and then something happened…I met someone.

It was one of those meet-cutes that would make an awesome story for the grandkids. It was at the grocery store. He asked me if I knew how to tell if the pears were ripe. This cracked me up because I’m usually the one asking women around the produce section if stuff is ripe or if it’s supposed to look like that (I wonder if those women thought I was hitting on them). After admitting to him that I had absolutely no idea we started chatting. I noticed that he was dressed like he had just come from the office in his business casual getup. Usually that isn’t really a turn on to me but for some reason, he didn’t look uptight in them. His persona was more casual than business. And he was REALLY good-looking too, which didn’t hurt.


His name was John and he asked me if he could call me sometime because he’d like to take me out to dinner. About a thousand thoughts ran through my head at once. He’s really nice and that’s a hard thing to find. He obviously has a job and he’s soooo good-looking. And then I started to think, yeah, he’s nice, has a job and is good-looking so he deserves someone who is going to be all in for him. So I said “I would really love that, but I just got out of a relationship and I’m just not ready to date yet.” And oh the hurt look on his face. I felt so bad and was afraid that  maybe he didn’t believe me and actually considered telling him the awful story of the last two weeks with The Ex but decided that I didn’t owe that to him. I was being honest and he could do with that as he pleased. I needed to worry about myself and I know that getting back into the dating game this soon after getting out of a relationship is just not a good idea. But everything happens for a reason.

Since then I’ve paid more attention to the people around me and have noticed guys noticing me. And just little things like that have given me a much needed boost in the ego. Every time it happens a little voice in the back of my head says “You still got it girl!”

My heart and ego are on the mend! And I feel like I’m one step closer to becoming me again.


2013 Goal #3 Exercising

gaols 2013

I have a treadmill. It’s not like I have to go to the gym, or even step foot outside. There’s no excuse. I just need a fire lit under my arse.

So, in order to light my fire, I talked to girls at work into running a 5k with me in the spring. Now that I have shot off my mouth, I’m really going to have to do the work.

I’ve done the Couch 2 5k program before. I finished it then went outside to try to run and couldn’t run more than 3 minutes. I realized the hard way that running on the road is much harder than running on a treadmill. But I also learned that if you up the incline, it will be more like running on the road.

c25kMy Plan:

  1. Start getting up earlier each day this week. That means not hitting snooze (oy). Before I met The Ex I was getting up at 4am to get on the treadmill before work. Late night phone calls nixed that and I haven’t done it since.
  2. Do the entire nine week Couch to 5K program and run a 5k in the spring with the girls from work.
  3. Start on the treadmill while it’s still cold out but get out whenever I can.
  4. Do yoga 3 nights a week for strength training until I’m done with the Couch to 5K program. (That is if I can find my yoga mat, etc.)

I will make adjustments to this plan as I go along. I know I can do this because I’ve done it before. I just need to get out of my own way!

2013 Goal #2 Creativity

gaols 2013

Whether reading, writing, playing guitar, creating some lotions and potions or some new craft, I need to step up my creativity.

I’ve already done the first thing to rev up my creativity and that was to get this blog up and running again and posting regularly. Now I just need to continue with that

The second thing that I want to do is get back to guitar lessons. I found out that the place that Willow will be taking her dance lessons, also offers music lessons. And, the teacher is ok with me only attending lessons every two weeks so that will cut the monthly bill from $60 to $30! Can’t beat that, especially since I was paying $86 a month at the last place. alone-sad-girl-hurts-guitar-playingI would like to write songs some day. I have a ton of poetry that I have written since I was around 8 years old. I would like to be able to start writing lyrics and put them to music. I know it will be a while before I can do that, but I have plenty of time. For now, I’m going to continue to learn how to read music (not the most exciting thing but I want to be able to pick up any piece of music and play it) and practice, practice, practice.

Willow and I also got a book on knitting from Santa. I’m hoping that is something that we can also do during “tween time”. My goal is to have knit one scarf by the end of the year…no matter how ugly it is.  knitting

I would also like to start creating some more soap and lotions but with my hovering mother, it’s not exactly relaxing. Spending any more than 3 minutes in the kitchen brings in the hovering mom and then all fun is just out the window. So, that may have to wait until I find my own place.

soap making

These are just a couple of the ways I want to rev up my creativity. There may be more things I want to try as I go along but this is my plan for now.