I figured out that part of my problem with myself is that I have all kinds of beliefs of who I want to be but I don’t LIVE who I want to be. Part of my problem is all this self-sabotaging that goes on. I’m not entirely sure why I do it but I know it has something to do with the idea that I’m not good enough. And throw in a bit of no belief in my own abilities and you’ve got a big slice of self-sabotaging pie. It of course comes from my childhood but I can’t use that excuse anymore because I am an adult and I’m responsible for my own actions. I was in therapy trying to clean up my self-esteem but it got to be too expensive. I was reading a book about daughters of narcissistic mothers but once I got to the part about how to fix yourself, I stopped. Self-sabotaging again or inability to take the necessary steps to fix myself?? No idea.
So, the first step in lining up my beliefs with my actions has been going vegetarian. I’m getting a lot of crap from family about it. Of course my mother insisted that it wasn’t good for my daughter because she lives in 1972 when they believed that vegetarians can’t be healthy. I started to explain to her and then rememebered that I don’t have to explain myself to her anymore so I just said, “This is the decision that I have made for my family and all I’m asking is for you to respect it.” A roll of the eyes and some snide comment under her breath and the subject was dropped.
I’ve been learning more and more about veggies and actually learning to like them more. I’m trying new things that I normally wouldn’t and liking them. I’ve realized that any meal, anywhere can be vegetarian. I just eat more of the sides and not the meat. My daughter has been kind of fighting me on it now. Which is strange because she never liked red meat before. But yesterday she had a cheese burger at my parents’ house and then today my mom was making steak tips and Dancing Chick wanted to stay there to eat them. Maybe her body is craving iron or something. I need to figure out a way to get more iron in her diet and maybe we can avoid this.
I also want to explain to her why I’ve chosen to stop eating meat. I want her to understand the extent of the horrors at factory farms but I don’t want to scar her by showing her the videos that I have seen. It just wouldn’t be good parenting. So how do I get the point across without giving her nightmares?
I haven’t decided what my next belief will be to put into action but I have a feeling it’s going to be starting over on the Eightfold Path once I get this veggie stuff into a habit that is no longer a habit but just who I am.