Textersation that shouldn’t have been…

I let myself get sucked into a textersation a couple of weeks ago that I knew I should have stopped before it started.  It started out just “I’m sorry”.  I know I should have just deleted it like I have been doing when The One That Wasn’t sends me a text. But for some reason, I let myself get sucked in (yes, he baited me and I took a great big bite). I had to know what exactly he was sorry for. I spent two hours doing things around the house and trying not to think about it but I just couldn’t bring myself to delete it and forget about it.  I decided to follow the advice I’ve been given for PMS. If you have a craving, give into it because if you don’t, it will eventually drive you nuts and cause you to eat the whole kitchen.  So I asked what he was sorry for.  I got the most general bullshit answer possible, “for hurting you”. Once again, should have deleted it and moved on but couldn’t.  So here is how the rest went:

Me: There are many ways you have hurt me, which one are you sorry for?

TOTW: For all the ways.

At this point I did actually start ignoring and was quite proud of myself until this text came:

TOTW: I knew that I had done too much damage and would never be able to make up for my mistake.  So I asked her to marry me because I knew I blew my chance with you.

And his next text:  I can still break off the engagement if you are willing to give me another chance.

Me:  WTF is wrong with you.  You are  just unbelievable. 

TOTW: Just remember that I will always LOVE YOU. (This is how every textersation has ended since I found out about Unknowing. Read the story here.)

Last season on So You Think You Can Dance, Ashleigh and Jakob did a routine to the song Whatcha Say .  I sat there watching this and felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again. I didn’t find out about the whole bullshit story because of a text, MySpace was the messenger. But I knew exactly how Ashleigh felt (or was pretending to feel). I had to go into the bathroom because my eyes starting welling up and I didn’t want my daughter to see me like that. Problem was, she loved the routine so much that she wanted to rewind it again and again and again and again (sometimes DVRs are very, very bad). I ended up taking the remote and “accidentally” deleting it.  But now the song is on the radio and they are listening to it in her dance class and it just seems to be everywhere.

The stupidest part is that there is this part of me that wants to go back to how it used to be.  I know that will never happen but it’s so hard to let go of something that just keeps coming back.  I would give anything to go back to the way it was. Yeah, it was up and down and back and forth but when two people with a lot of hurt from past relationships try to make it work, it’s gonna be a roller coaster ride. But I refuse to spend my life wondering. Wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with and what texts he has deleted from his phone. The pain consumes me sometimes but I have to suck it up and keep going. I have a daughter that needs all of my attention, physically and emotionally.  Like right now. I should go to bed so I can be fully on tomorrow for anything that she needs but I’m afraid of having the same dream I’ve been having for about a month now. And because I’ve been typing about it, I know I will. Instead of Ashleigh and Jakob on that stage, it’s me and him…..


8 thoughts on “Textersation that shouldn’t have been…

  1. GregoryJ

    Could you block him from texting you?
    I’ve had a couple relationships that I would go right back into, even though I know that would be the stupidest thing I could ever do. Fortunately, I have no way to contact them and vice versa. And I have been married for 28 years, so I should take that into consideration, too. Duh.

    1. Semi-Hippie Single Mama Post author

      I don’t think there is a way to block just one person. I think you have to turn off texting completely and that’s not possible. I would just change my phone number but when I got my company cell, I switch my personal number to the company phone so I wouldn’t have to carry two. If only I could go back in time.

  2. T

    Now if you read my blog, you know that I’m all about forgiving. You know that I’m all about understanding people and their motivations. But I can suck into your story SO easily.

    And because I can relate, if I were you, I’d want to contact Ms. Unknowing and send her this textersation. She has a right to know and then maybe he would get the point and leave you alone.

    But then again, it sounds like you don’t want him to leave you alone.

    So, that bandaid on the heart up there? You’re pulling it off rrrreeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyyy ssssslllllooooowwwwllly.

    I get it. I understand. And as much of a dreamer as I am, I wonder if sometimes things just DON’T work out for the same reason that other things DO.

    ((big hugs))

    1. Semi-Hippie Single Mama Post author

      Oh but I do so want him to leave me alone. There have been hundreds of other texts that I have successfully ignored. What I do want, is the old him back that I used to know. To me, it’s like two completely different people. And, yes, I’m aware that the old him will never be back (oh the fun a therapsit would have with that one). I’m slowly working past it but it’s hard to trust again. I don’t want to be one of those girls that goes through her guy’s cell phone or wallet.

      Telling her is just not an option. I know how women can be. They will fight to the death to defend their man, especially when she feels humiliated, and that is drama that I just don’t need. Besides, the friend that introduced her to him knows that he was with me so as far as I’m concerned, it’s her job not mine. I’ve dealt with enough shit because of him and creating more is not something I have any interest in.

      I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I just wish that some reasons came without so much pain.

      1. T

        For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about your reply to my comment.

        Have you read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Here is my review of the book after the end of my relationship-that-wasn’t: http://tsquest.blogspot.com/2008/11/mr-unavailable-and-fallback-girl.html

        And here is the author’s website where she continues to dish out awesome advice: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

        I guess there was something in what you said…when you said, “What I do want, is the old him back that I used to know.” ….. it sounded so familiar to my own situation.

        Hope its helpful in some way.


  3. vinomom

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I know how easy it is to get sucked into textersations (I like that word!) trust me I just had an hour and a half fight w/ The Boyfriend over text yesterday! It sounds like you are doing the right thing by ignoring them for the most part. He is obviously a real piece of work if he is actually offering to break off the engagement. That is NOT a healthy person.


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