I let myself get sucked into a textersation a couple of weeks ago that I knew I should have stopped before it started. It started out just “I’m sorry”. I know I should have just deleted it like I have been doing when The One That Wasn’t sends me a text. But for some reason, I let myself get sucked in (yes, he baited me and I took a great big bite). I had to know what exactly he was sorry for. I spent two hours doing things around the house and trying not to think about it but I just couldn’t bring myself to delete it and forget about it. I decided to follow the advice I’ve been given for PMS. If you have a craving, give into it because if you don’t, it will eventually drive you nuts and cause you to eat the whole kitchen. So I asked what he was sorry for. I got the most general bullshit answer possible, “for hurting you”. Once again, should have deleted it and moved on but couldn’t. So here is how the rest went:
Me: There are many ways you have hurt me, which one are you sorry for?
TOTW: For all the ways.
At this point I did actually start ignoring and was quite proud of myself until this text came:
TOTW: I knew that I had done too much damage and would never be able to make up for my mistake. So I asked her to marry me because I knew I blew my chance with you.
And his next text: I can still break off the engagement if you are willing to give me another chance.
Me: WTF is wrong with you. You are just unbelievable.
TOTW: Just remember that I will always LOVE YOU. (This is how every textersation has ended since I found out about Unknowing. Read the story here.)
Last season on So You Think You Can Dance, Ashleigh and Jakob did a routine to the song Whatcha Say . I sat there watching this and felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again. I didn’t find out about the whole bullshit story because of a text, MySpace was the messenger. But I knew exactly how Ashleigh felt (or was pretending to feel). I had to go into the bathroom because my eyes starting welling up and I didn’t want my daughter to see me like that. Problem was, she loved the routine so much that she wanted to rewind it again and again and again and again (sometimes DVRs are very, very bad). I ended up taking the remote and “accidentally” deleting it. But now the song is on the radio and they are listening to it in her dance class and it just seems to be everywhere.
The stupidest part is that there is this part of me that wants to go back to how it used to be. I know that will never happen but it’s so hard to let go of something that just keeps coming back. I would give anything to go back to the way it was. Yeah, it was up and down and back and forth but when two people with a lot of hurt from past relationships try to make it work, it’s gonna be a roller coaster ride. But I refuse to spend my life wondering. Wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with and what texts he has deleted from his phone. The pain consumes me sometimes but I have to suck it up and keep going. I have a daughter that needs all of my attention, physically and emotionally. Like right now. I should go to bed so I can be fully on tomorrow for anything that she needs but I’m afraid of having the same dream I’ve been having for about a month now. And because I’ve been typing about it, I know I will. Instead of Ashleigh and Jakob on that stage, it’s me and him…..