This whole thing has been weighing on me lately but I just don’t want to talk about it. Knowing myself, I know that I need to let it go so I’m thinking if I just get it out here, I’ll feel better.
For about 9 years, me and I’ll call him The One That Wasn’t, were on and off and up and down and back and forth. There was always someone in one of our lives getting in the way. Not to mention the fact that we were both carrying some serious pain from past relationships, commitment issues, etc. We met at a bar, but it wasn’t the usual bar pickup. A friend of a friend is married to his brother and she introduced me to him. I was smitten from the beginning. He was getting out of a relationship and my friend of a friend hated his ex-girlfriend and wanted to find him a “good woman” (not sure why she picked me..but then that was back when I was still niave nice). So, off we went. On and then off and then on and then off and then on and then off…you get the point. The weirdest part of it all was that we always ended up back in each other’s lives when we really needed each other. I would be having a particularly hard day and he would call out of the blue. He would be having trouble at work and we would drive past each other, turn around and meet in a parking lot or something. We would be at a bar that neither one of us had ever been to before after a hard day of work, we would end up at a town function and run into each other among thousands of people. We just always came back together. We were Carrie and Mr Big (no one will ever understand just how true that is!). I always believed that at some point everything would just come together and everyone who ever caused us problems would die and we would be together. No matter what, he was there in the back of my mind.
I eventually moved to New Hampshire from Maryland when my dad was offered a job in Mass. I wanted to be back with my whole family and we were in an off again position. I hadn’t lived near my family since I was 12 so I put all my stuff in my parent’s garage and the movers moved all my stuff too. He showed up on my doorstep the night before I was leaving. Everything was out of the apartment and I was just sitting in the living room reminiscing and there was a knock on the door. I almost stayed but I needed to get out of that horrible town where people couldn’t stand to see others happy.
A friend of mine came up to NH to visit and thought it would be funny to call him. So, here we went again. On and off and up and down and back and forth. He came to see me, I went to see him. Then, one day, while at work none the less, the same friend who convinced me to call him, calls me and tells me to go on her friend’s MySpace page and check out this girl, I’ll call her Unknowing, and there are pics of her with The One That Wasn’t and the caption says “My man and me.” So, since I’m at work I have to put on my tough face and get mad while my insides feel like they are in giant knots (I ended up throwing up in the bathroom when I could sneak away. That was fun). I confronted him and he basically talked in circles, never really admitting it. He had made me The Other Woman on top of the unbearable pain he had caused me and that was too much for me. Long story short, I told him he was dead to me.
Anger and hurt together are like living in a giant vice that squeezes and squeezes. They squeeze you together until you feel like your insides are going to explode. So, in order to get out of the vice, I forgave. But forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. He would text and I would respond with just short responses. Whenever the topic came up of us trying again or him coming to see me to try to make it up to me, I made it very clear that would never happen. There is forgiving and there is forgetting. That was forgiving and not forgetting.
And in the middle of drafting this, stupid me, I went onto Facebook to see if Unknowing has a Facebook page and now I know why he has been on my mind so much. There is a pic of the two of them and she has an engagement ring on and it’s very obviously an engagement picture but her profile is private so I couldn’t see anything else. I texted The One That Wasn’t asking if he is engaged…waiting, waiting, waiting…..Response: I am. Knife in heart and I end up locked in the bathroom at work trying to breath. Lucky for me I have a great friend that could talk me down through texts. I couldn’t breath and didn’t want others to hear anyway so I had to text her. Thank you!
Charlotte (Sex and the City) once said that you get two true loves in your life. So, I get one more shot at it, right. Once I’m done with my current job (raising Dancing Chick) maybe I’ll find him. But if not, that’s ok too. Like I’ve said before, I am perfectly happy being single.